just the same thing......

Nothing different is going on. everything is chill. My sis's baby shower was on sunday and it was great. that guy i went out on a date with texted me like once last week. just to say hi. f'ing loser. oh, i went today to my research appt and the cute guy was there. it was so embarrassing cause he was taking my vitals and my heart rate was at 118. i told him it's always that high but really it's cause i have a huge crush on him. lol. Also i got his number!! not for personal reasons but incase i have a question about the meds and stuff. i'm going to orlando for labor day and i cant wait. ummm.......really nothing else is new. my fev1 was at 32% today without doing my meds or therapy. that's pretty good, i guess. i'm not complaining. as all as i feel great and i'm not getting sick i really dont care about my numbers. also i am pushing myself more than ever with my workouts. the doctor said never go by the numbers unless you feel them. I dont feel them so i'm happy. i might have to have my wisdom teeth pulled out. ugh!! ok that's about it. peace out!

I'm always in the friend zone....

well i finally heard from my bff today. After i called her of course. She dumped her bf of almost 2yrs and now is dating a 23 yr old. and he's already staying over her place. sometimes i dont know what goes through her head. Also that guy i went out on the bad date with is telling everyone at his job which is the job my friend works at that we are in the friend zone and there was no chemistry and we will stay friends. No shit!! I dont even want the fucker for a friend. Screw him!! The only guy that's paying any attention to me is one with a girlfriend. well we have known each other forever but now he has this chick and it sucks. so today has been a horrible day. i feel like i'm getting left out by the whole world. I cant wait for friday, my cousin is having a pool party and it should be lots of fun. well gotta go.

How they do it.....

I have no idea how people can breakup with someone and then just start dating the next day. Someone close to me had a breakup about a month ago and is already seeing someone new. I really cant stand miami and the way people are here. I'd love to get away from this atomsphere. It's just so stressful and toxic. Another friend of mine that i liked a long while back is dating someone and i'm super happy for him but why not me? Did you know that in miami there are ten girl for every guy. The competition here is insane. Also families put tons of pressure on you about dating and being alone. They are relaxed with me because of my CF. They think oh well she has it harder cause of her illness. That guy that i went on the date on texted me the next day but i havent heard from him since and dont really care if i ever do. I know i started this blog to speak about my CF but right now i'm doing well. Not perfect in anyway but i havent been in the hospital for almost a year and stable with my pft's. I've decided to start paralegal school in Jan. with my cousin. I want a temp job and there's tons of law firms here hiring. I dont want full time cause i'll lose my SSI and my medicare/medicaid. Plus being a temp you'll have a job for a month and then you can take 3 weeks off and relax. I dont want to be stuck at one place. Especially since CF is so unpredictable. This sunday is my sis's baby shower. It will only be the ladies. I know it'll be tons of fun but i'll be kinda depressed i wont ever be able to know what a baby inside me feels like. I'll be sure to post pics. Not to sound dirty but i need a man in my life!! lol.

Bad Date!!

well my best friend set me up with a guy from her job. he saw my facebook and thought i was cute and i thought he was good looking too. So we talked during the week and saturday decided to go to the beach. i didnt tell him about my cf cause i wanted him to get to know me first. Actually this is on the advice of my family and friends. they are saying i am not cf, and that i shouldnt just blurt it out to everyone. It's hard for me to do that cause i know at one point i'm going to cough or take out my pills and i am cf in a way.

We get to the beach and everything is fine. He's kinda quiet and i'm the kind of person who likes to talk and be fun. I'm trying to get him out of his "shell" so i try to put him on the spot which i thought he would be ok with cause on our talks on the phone he was so flirty with me. I asked him so do you still think i'm cute? The dude didnt say a word back, i swear i heard cricketts in the backgroud. I was like well since you didnt say anything i guess that means no. Then he said that's not true, maybe i just dont want you to know what i think. By that time i was already done with him. Then we walk back to the garage i parked my car at and the elevator didnt work. We had to climb 6 flights of stairs. I was pretty SOB, he was looking at me like wow, what a lazy chick. I couldnt stand him thinking something so wrong so i told him i had cf. Of course i'm the kind of person who likes to be blunt and say the truth about cf. i'm not going to paint a beautiful great picture cause if i do get worse i wouldnt want him to say i didnt tell him. After i told him he immediately changed the subject. We got to his place and we watched a movie and he cooked me dinner. Well this part is pretty messed up. We had a joke on the phone about taking showers. So i asked him what are you going to do now? He said i'm going to take a shower and blah, blah, blah. So i said i'd love to take a shower. Which he replied, dont you have a shower in your house. OMG, that was the last straw!! I was like yeah you're right. So i gave him a hug goodbye and he told me to text him when i got home which i didnt care to do. I was so upset. I felt like darn do i look that horrible in person? i know i take ok pics but this guy was a dick. i guess he was the first guy i really thought was cute since my ex so it hit me hard. Also i saw my ex had been online and he never replied to my email. kinda hurt. Last night was really horrible. I'm so thankfull for my good friends. especially my friend joe in DC. i wish he lived here. we would be together in a heartbeat. lol. well that's about it. hope everyone had a great weekend. laters, wendy

i disappoint myself

yep, i've done something bad. i emailed the ex on fri. or thurs. dont recall the day. well he hasnt written back to me. that's probably a good sign. i let my best friend read it and she said it was actually great. didnt sound horrible at all. just one person updating another one and hoping they are ok. so i hope that's how he sees it as well. puke, i cant believe i did that. fuck!

it's been forever since i blogged!

ok, lets see what's new........ Well i finally got into the new spiriva study! its so awesome. that drug opens up those airways and so much stuff comes out it's incredible. even when you think you are clear, you still bring stuff up. I was at the clinic on tuesday doing the study and they give you the med and you have to do 3 pft's every hour for 4 hrs. i was so dead when we finished. my pft's went from fev1 of 30% to 34% in four hrs, not bad! also i'm working out like crazy with ankle and wrists weight that i have on almost for 3 hrs a day. i have them on when i workout and when i'm cleaning the house and doing the floors, etc. i'm not going to lie, it's been really tough to keep up this schedule. i remember back a few yrs ago, waking up doing an albuterol and leaving for work for 8hrs then going to school unti 10pm and still partying on the weekends. i cant imagine going back to work now. i love having all the time off in the world to workout and do my meds and if i want to go somewhere on a trip i just go. i would like to do something extra but maybe something like answering phones somewhere. no pressure job that's for sure. my sis will be having her baby in oct. i cant wait. i felt him kick for the first time yesterday. it was sooo cool. i'll be taking care of him while she's at work when he gets here. it's so exciting!!

Then yesterday i got an urge. A bad urge, i felt kind of like a drug addict who wanted just a little hit of the drug. I was dying to text the ex. I've been doing so well, i havent texted him since may 30th, which was his bday. So i called my girls and thank god they helped me out and talked me through it and i didnt text. I came pretty close to breaking down. I guess it's just i havent been interested at all in anyone else, he's still pretty fresh in my mind. Also there's this new guy who works at the cf clinic and omg, i get so nervous around him. he's 28yrs old and sooo cute. he's from san fran. When i get nervous i get really chatty and i was talking his ear off on tuesday. i mean i was there for over 4 hrs. so i was bored out of my mind. I got to know a bit about him. he has two masters in science and wants to go to med school and become a surgeon. what's wrong with pulmonology? lol. i hate that most people who work in the hospital field always see us patients not as regular people who go out and have fun. they think we just lay in bed and wait to die. I was telling him about these places i go to hang out with my friends and he was like, oh really! anyways the point to this was that i was so nervous doing my pft's cause he was right behind me telling me blow, blow, blow, you can do it, just a little bit more. I'm so evil all the horrible thoughts running through my head. haha, i just wanted to bust out laughing. plus you know when your doing a pft sometimes you squeeze your buns tight, lol. he was right behing me. i hope he wasnt looking down. then the coughing up afterwards was the worst. i kept thinking this is so unattractive. it's funny cause i bet he didnt even notice. i'm just silly when it comes to men. ugh. oh i'm going to the smokey mountains for new years!! yay!! i cant freaking wait. i love skiing. even though i'm horrible at it. ok that's about it. bye!!

Life Breath

Has anyone ever seen this movie? OMG, it was the hardest thing to watch. It's about a married couple and the wife has cf. She looks like she's in her twenties. There's this one part that really got to me, well the whole movie actually got to me but in this part she was lying in bed on oxygen at home watching tv. then she sees all these commercials about running, swimming, hiking, just stuff she cant do. of course it made me cry like a baby. Then when her husband gets home she's asking him why is he with her if she cant do anything and that was a rough scene as well. Another part is that she's lying in the hospital bed and she's on a vent and she's just struggling to breathe and her husband is just watching helplessly and unable to do anything. That made me remember the reason why i have such a hard time with relationships. I dont want to have someone go through that with me. I dont want to be a burden on someone and have them watch me die. i feel bad that my parents might have to bury me one day. i wish sometimes i could just do this all alone and not hurt anyone. My sister hates all the so called attention i get because i have cf and sometimes my family doesnt understand how bad of a disease cf is. they are always telling me i'll get better and that i can run like everyone else and swim as fast and if i get tired they think i'm lazy cause i want to rest. it's so tough sometimes to be in my family. they are great but they do not cope well with my cf. i mean even my sister told me that i wanted to get sicker to get attention from my mom. Also yesterday i was looking through my photo albums and i found two pictures of me and my ex from tampa. I cant believe it will be a year on july 3 that we met. actually today. he showed me what love was but only to take it away so soon. we used to talk on the phone everyday and he knew all my fears and all my cf concerns. i felt so happy with him, even if we stayed in his apt. all day it was great. i wonder all the time what he's doing now. we dont text nor talk. my wounds are still fresh. it's crazy, we broke up in nov. i'm still not over him. he's probably with someone else happy as a clam and i'm here tearing up. oh well such is life. hopefully i'll have a great july 4 and not cry too much knowing that it would have been our 1 yr anniversary july 6. his loss, right?