A Lesion on my SPLEEN????

can't even fathom what this means? i try to tell myself it's nothing since the doc doesn't think it's anything but a lesion on my spleen? really?? wtf! i'm i going to die?? what if i do need surgery? i only have an fev1 of 29% at best. i can't be put under because i'll never come off the vent. i have an MRI with contrast on friday which will tell us more. i'm going back to spring hill on saturday but honestly i'm a fucking wreck! my mind doesn't stop racing and neither does my heart. what could it be? could this be the pain i've been telling everyone about and no one listened to? fuck, i hate thinking this shit. what the fuck did i do to deserve this crap. i want to go back to my boyfriend and just be fine. ok, if this is really something that i have to have surgery for i guess i'll have to be admitted and have it done. don't know how long i'd have to stay but i'd want to stay until i could cough again and be ok. fuck, this is the type of shit that when people go in for it turns out worse. god i pray that next week i'll be saying it was nothing but for now i'm scared as hell. :(

Following Dr's Orders

Lately i've read a ton of posts that read "i'm glad i didn't follow my doctor's orders" when it comes to pregnancy with cf. I'm so happy for the cfers who were able to carry the baby and have the baby, it's great. I was actually pregnant when i was 20yrs old. i told my doc and my family and they said it would be best to terminate it. Honestly i don't think i was ready for a baby. I didn't feel like it was a wrong choice, i think i wouldn't of been able to handle the child and myself. I really don't think i would be here if i would have gone through with it. I believe every woman has a right to do whatever she wants to her body. If men carried children i'm sure abortion offices would be in every corner just like starbucks. I mean men don't lie, right?? lol. That's why mostly love bill maher most of the time. Except when he talks about guantanamo bay but when he speaks about religion and the old crypt keepers that are running our government he is right on.

Also i want to tell people that cf is a progessive disease!!! believe what you may but if you don't think it will catch up to you, you are lying to yourself. I didn't believe it would ever catch up to me. Well by the age of 28 it did. was it my fault, partly yes and partly cf. i should have taken care of myself better. i should be done all my meds and therapy. It's kind of like those people who have cancer that don't even know it. It spreads everywhere and nothing will help. That's how fast cf can kill you as well. So many of my friends dont deserve the shit other cfers say. Like they should have done this or that, it just hurts like hell. They probably did more than you but cf is different with everyone. everyone has a different physiology and anatomy and cf. CF has over 2,000 mutations and it can be as mild as just having tummy aches to killing a child of 5yrs old. People need to have empathy for everyone and give support to everyone who has from high lung function to low lung function because we all need it.