Thursday, August 8, 2013


Today was my grandma's wake/burial. I thought i knew how i was going to react but i totally fell apart. I looked at her in the casket and she looked nothing like herself. i've seen many dead bodies, young and old but never have i seen someone who didn't resemble themselves. i literally felt myself start to panic and i just thought how am i going to make it 4hrs here? my family and friends really helped me out. i still feel really anxious and just stressed out. i think to myself if i can't handle my grandma's funeral what if someone like my mom or dad pass away? they are my life, i'd be so lost. i want to feel normal which right now i don't. i'm not sleepy nor do i want to sleep. i'm scared of my dreams, i don't want to dream about my grandma. about how i saw her in that casket. i just don't want to break apart. i need to be strong.

Also my MRI came back normal. not sure if i updated everyone already. my mind is really scrambled.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Not about Me anymore

My grandma is in ICU. Her heart is weak from pneumonia and i'm unable to be with my family at the hosp. because as we all know cfers are super magnets for germs. It's ok cause i called my CF doc who works at the hosp my grandma's at and he's actually helping by telling one of his friend's who is in charge of the ICU to watch over her health. I'm happy to say that yesterday was very scary, she was intubated and her heart was very weak. She was only breathing at 20% Today she's breathing at 40%. I know she'll get through this. She's 76 and i know it will be difficult for her to come back but i feel like she still has some fight in her.

The lesion on my spleen has taken a back seat for now. I tried to read the picture CD they gave me but it made me more confused than anything. I usually would of ask the Tech if they saw anything but i was to scared. I also asked my doc if he had any results and he said by Monday. I told him i was so stressed out with everything going on and his response was "RELAX". easy for him to say. lol. I have this horrible thought that the reason i haven't been able to go back to spring hill where i live with my boyfriend is that there's a reason i have to be in miami. maybe it's cause there is something wrong with me. I know it's crazy to think like that but my brain works in a fucked up way. well that's it for now. I hope to have better news tomorrow or in a few days.

Friday, August 2, 2013

MRI today

Today was D-Day. I got the MRI done on my spleen. A procedure which was supposed to take 20 mins took an hour and a half. First the tech couldn't find a vein since i needed contrast with this MRI. it took 7 times to get it done. I'll take pics of all the black and blue bruises which hurt a ton. Also i had to hold my breath for a very lone time which was very difficult when you only have 27% total lung function. They gave me a picture CD so i can look at the MRI and my spleen. I'm not sure how to read it but my boyfriend and i will figure it out. I'm not looking at it without him. I haven't seen him in over a week since he's up in spring hill 5hrs away. I miss him so much. It's kind of weird how he tells me that he wants me home when he comes home from work cause it makes him feel so much better. it makes me happy but i've never had that kind of affect on someone so it's scary too. I don't want to let him down. Ok, i'll write back next week and we'll see how things go. Whatever happens, well honestly if it's bad news i'll try to handle it the best i can. i'm not going to lie it's going to be pretty upsetting. ugh. :/