Tough Weekend......

This weekend on sunday Ava Campbell passed away. She was only 15 when she passed. I've seen so many of my close friends with cf pass away and i cant count the numerous times i've gone to funerals to say goodbye. It hurts this time even more cause she was so young. Before the cfers were older than me and i thought that's just how cf was, we didnt live that long. I still remember the first time my mom told me someone with cf that i knew passed away. she sat me down on the couch and told me a friend passed. i immediately started crying and i just told her i didnt want to die. she told me everyone dies, it's apart of life and that we all go to heaven. it didnt make it any easier. i remember when i was a teenager and i would get hospitalized i had a crew of cf friends who would all go in at the same time for some odd reason. we would go to each others rooms and stay up all night. it was a blast. most of them arent with us anymore. When i was 18 a good friend of mine went in for a tune up, no biggie. then all of the sudden she just started getting worse and her sats wouldnt go up. she ended up in ICU and i would go visit everyday. Then one week afterwards her mom told me she was getting better so i didnt go visit for a couple of days. I went to see her the day after halloween and i went into the ICU and her bed was empty. i thought it was odd and i told my bestfriend to go and ask cause i was so scared of what i knew had happened. she passed away the night before and no one called to tell me. i just broke down in the hallway of the hospital. i was so upset, the funeral was even worse. Even though it's tough i still go to say my goodbyes and to let them know that i was there to the end with them. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo on my side of a rose with the stem and thorns with 65 roses on it in memory of all my friends. i dont have the money right now but i know i will get it in a couple of months.

Changing the subject, when i got back from hawaii even though i had the time of my life i was sad. i was sad cause i didnt have someone special to share that moment with. I've been single for so long and i'm so tired of it. i know its fun that i get to do what i want when i want but honestly i'm so freakin lonely. sometimes i get mad at god, it's like a cant catch a break. i thank him for everything but why doesnt he bring love into my life? i know i've complained about this so many times on here but it's just sad. Also the men in miami are horrible. This one guy i used to date has a girlfriend now and he still texts me to hookup with him. Then me and my girlfriend went out and some guy friend of hers who's married with a pregnant wife came to have dinner with us and paid our bill. he told his wife he was working late. it's just sad how no a days men and women dont respect themselves and have such low morals. i dont know if it's just in miami but i'm starting to think so cause i know plenty of cfers in great relationships. i love ranting sometimes. Oh also my cf friend came down from sarasota with her boy to hang out and i havent even gone to see her cause they are just the most lovey dovey couple ever. it really makes me depressed to go see them. i have no idea why i've gotten like this. couples never used to bother me before no i'm all sickened by them. i guess it's cause i want one so bad. honestly people the longest relationship i've had was when i was 19 and it lasted for 2yrs. i've only been in love twice and both times my heart has been shattered to pieces. i dont like online dating nor do i feel like volunteering somewhere for the wrong reason. i dunno what to do. thank god i have a few friends that are single and see things like me. the only difference is that they have been in long term relationships. i would love to say i dated someone for more than 5 months. geez it's just so aggravating. plus with cf and me probably not being able to have kids and not being able to work full time i just feel like men dont see anything worth investing in me. i cant give them anything but my love. well anyways that's my rant. god bless and have a good nite everyone, wendy v.