Thursday, July 2, 2009

Life Breath

Has anyone ever seen this movie? OMG, it was the hardest thing to watch. It's about a married couple and the wife has cf. She looks like she's in her twenties. There's this one part that really got to me, well the whole movie actually got to me but in this part she was lying in bed on oxygen at home watching tv. then she sees all these commercials about running, swimming, hiking, just stuff she cant do. of course it made me cry like a baby. Then when her husband gets home she's asking him why is he with her if she cant do anything and that was a rough scene as well. Another part is that she's lying in the hospital bed and she's on a vent and she's just struggling to breathe and her husband is just watching helplessly and unable to do anything. That made me remember the reason why i have such a hard time with relationships. I dont want to have someone go through that with me. I dont want to be a burden on someone and have them watch me die. i feel bad that my parents might have to bury me one day. i wish sometimes i could just do this all alone and not hurt anyone. My sister hates all the so called attention i get because i have cf and sometimes my family doesnt understand how bad of a disease cf is. they are always telling me i'll get better and that i can run like everyone else and swim as fast and if i get tired they think i'm lazy cause i want to rest. it's so tough sometimes to be in my family. they are great but they do not cope well with my cf. i mean even my sister told me that i wanted to get sicker to get attention from my mom. Also yesterday i was looking through my photo albums and i found two pictures of me and my ex from tampa. I cant believe it will be a year on july 3 that we met. actually today. he showed me what love was but only to take it away so soon. we used to talk on the phone everyday and he knew all my fears and all my cf concerns. i felt so happy with him, even if we stayed in his apt. all day it was great. i wonder all the time what he's doing now. we dont text nor talk. my wounds are still fresh. it's crazy, we broke up in nov. i'm still not over him. he's probably with someone else happy as a clam and i'm here tearing up. oh well such is life. hopefully i'll have a great july 4 and not cry too much knowing that it would have been our 1 yr anniversary july 6. his loss, right?

1 comment:

Graciy said...

I am so blessed to be married to someone so brave and strong. CF is a nasty thing but it has made him Josh.

Anyone that you end up with might have to suffer with you but they will be better people because of it. Also, if they truely love you they wont mind at all. I know I don't.