Tuesday, July 6, 2010

shoulda, coulda, woulda, been 2yrs

july 4th has always been a fun day for me but two yrs ago it totally meant something more special. I met a guy who became my boyfriend, we watched fireworks together and the next day he asked me to be his girlfriend. Our relationship was very short. only 4 months but in that short time i gained a bunch of weight and he helped raise my spirit so high i was able to get off a lung transplant list. i remember the little things he would do. like when i look at his desk and saw i these answers of questions he had asked me on the phone like, what was my favorite color, and food, and holiday, what movies i loved. i never knew guys could be such dorks. lol, i loved him more than i could love anyone. he would do research online about cf, even when he was at work. which wasnt easy cause he was in the airforce and supposed to be working on more important things but i guess i was more. he would tell me about meds that they were trying to develop and to ask my doc about them. i really dont believe i will find anyone like that ever again. i mean come on, all the things he did for me, my cpt, he would make my food, he would make sure i never missed my meds and he would help me put on my o2 which i thought would be so embarrassing but he was like i dont mind, i dont care. we even had matching shirts at one point. Then one day, out of the blue he just said he didnt love me the way i loved him. my heart was ripped open from my chest. since that day i dont see men the same way. i try to meet guys but i have no want or will to get out there. so instead i try to meet guys through friends which sucks cause i'm very blunt and i'm straight forward and i scared them off. i just hate the getting to know you part and i'd rather just be like, u like me? ok i like you, lets date and get to know each other. i feel so damaged from the relationship i've seen with my parents and the ones in my past. it's weird but i do want to be in one but will i ever??? only god knows and he's not answering me at all. :(


Paula P. said...

Well, I just found your blog and something about your writing just made me stay and read through the post.

It's funny, because I left my husband of 10 years about a year ago because I didn't love him enough to continue. I know it hurts. I know is devastating. But, believe me, you much rather be confronted by that truth than to live so many years thinking something that is not. In my case, I married him so young. I was in love back then, but as we both grew older, our horizons changed and we were not looking in the same direction.

It's been two years. He was there for a reason. Understand that reason, and move on.

I am a follower now. Have a great day!

sunshine rose said...

hi paula, thxs i know i should move on and i've tried but i guess with my health issues and all he was the only one who understood. honestly miami sucks dating wise. i cant move cause i love my docs way too much. i dunno what is wrong with me and why i cant move on from him, i just dont think they'll be anyone like him.