future

i've been feeling perfect since my last little home sick breakdown last week. everything has been great. my boyfriend got me a beautiful watch for christmas and i love it. just have to put this out, i have a huge pet peeve when it comes to texting. i hate texting someone and never getting an answer back, how rude can you be!! So it's been an awful season for cfers. so many of us are in the hospital and super sick. makes me wonder if it's going to happen to me and if it does will my family and boyfriend would be able to handle it. i don't think about myself just about others. it's so scary to think about. i really don't get how some people who come so close to death just get back up and go do the same thing that got them there. like i've said before some people think they are bulletproof and i just want to shake the hell outta them. ugh another random thought i know i need to go back to school but i really dont care much for it. i hate getting sick from other people like i used to back when i went to college. but if i have to i will. i wanna go skiing next year hopefully my lungs will be able to handle the vermont mountains. i love snowboarding! i've only done it once and i got pretty banged up but it was so worth it. i didn't do that bad either, it was my first time in snow and i really held my ground except when it came to trying to stop. i almost ran over some kids. ok, well that's all. until the next one.

HOME SICK, PANIC ATTACKS, Feeling So Confused!

well last night i had a huge panic attack. the only thing that kept me sane was my boyfriend. he held my hand the whole night. i feel bad saying this but i'm home sick. i haven't been in miami in over a month and i guess i miss my family. i don't know why this panic attack has come back. a few weeks ago i had a breakdown. i didn't see my family on thanksgiving and sometimes my boyfriend just wants to chill at home on the weekends cause he works so hard, which is fine but i get such bad cabin fever. ugh, i just want this feeling of anxiety to go the fuck away!! i want to feel normal again. i had my period last week so that why i thought i was feeling low but it just doesnt go away. i mean i'm happier now than last week but this panic attack that i had last night killed me. On another subject i really get jealous that cf males can use ivf and have kids. no risk on their health cause the woman carries the baby. i wish us cf females could have an easier time finding surrogates and also paying those huge bills. i know some insurance companies pay for ivf so they are lucky, i just wish the males with cf would remember the females who can't have kids. sometimes i feel like they gloat or whatever. sorry i'm doing this while i'm under anxiety. God, i pray this is just a little bump in the road. Also all the news on facebook as gotten me really sad with so many cfers dying or sick in the hospital. i think i just need a break from everything. maybe going back home for a little bit will be good but i don't want to leave my boyfriend. i feel so torn apart. :/ i hope my psychiatrist calls me back about my meds. maybe i need an updose. *ugh*