Tuesday, December 18, 2012

HOME SICK, PANIC ATTACKS, Feeling So Confused!

well last night i had a huge panic attack. the only thing that kept me sane was my boyfriend. he held my hand the whole night. i feel bad saying this but i'm home sick. i haven't been in miami in over a month and i guess i miss my family. i don't know why this panic attack has come back. a few weeks ago i had a breakdown. i didn't see my family on thanksgiving and sometimes my boyfriend just wants to chill at home on the weekends cause he works so hard, which is fine but i get such bad cabin fever. ugh, i just want this feeling of anxiety to go the fuck away!! i want to feel normal again. i had my period last week so that why i thought i was feeling low but it just doesnt go away. i mean i'm happier now than last week but this panic attack that i had last night killed me. On another subject i really get jealous that cf males can use ivf and have kids. no risk on their health cause the woman carries the baby. i wish us cf females could have an easier time finding surrogates and also paying those huge bills. i know some insurance companies pay for ivf so they are lucky, i just wish the males with cf would remember the females who can't have kids. sometimes i feel like they gloat or whatever. sorry i'm doing this while i'm under anxiety. God, i pray this is just a little bump in the road. Also all the news on facebook as gotten me really sad with so many cfers dying or sick in the hospital. i think i just need a break from everything. maybe going back home for a little bit will be good but i don't want to leave my boyfriend. i feel so torn apart. :/ i hope my psychiatrist calls me back about my meds. maybe i need an updose. *ugh*


Amy said...

when I get down and miss my family, I go visit them. P rarely comes with me and if I need the break I go alone. It helps tremendously! <3

sunshine rose said...

omg, amy thank god. i thought i was a weirdo. i feel so bad leaving my boyfriend here. i don't want him to think it's his fault. i've had panic attacks since i was 23 but this one takes me back to that time when i wouldnt go out cause i was too scared. it sucks so much. thxs for always being there!!