i disappoint myself

yep, i've done something bad. i emailed the ex on fri. or thurs. dont recall the day. well he hasnt written back to me. that's probably a good sign. i let my best friend read it and she said it was actually great. didnt sound horrible at all. just one person updating another one and hoping they are ok. so i hope that's how he sees it as well. puke, i cant believe i did that. fuck!

it's been forever since i blogged!

ok, lets see what's new........ Well i finally got into the new spiriva study! its so awesome. that drug opens up those airways and so much stuff comes out it's incredible. even when you think you are clear, you still bring stuff up. I was at the clinic on tuesday doing the study and they give you the med and you have to do 3 pft's every hour for 4 hrs. i was so dead when we finished. my pft's went from fev1 of 30% to 34% in four hrs, not bad! also i'm working out like crazy with ankle and wrists weight that i have on almost for 3 hrs a day. i have them on when i workout and when i'm cleaning the house and doing the floors, etc. i'm not going to lie, it's been really tough to keep up this schedule. i remember back a few yrs ago, waking up doing an albuterol and leaving for work for 8hrs then going to school unti 10pm and still partying on the weekends. i cant imagine going back to work now. i love having all the time off in the world to workout and do my meds and if i want to go somewhere on a trip i just go. i would like to do something extra but maybe something like answering phones somewhere. no pressure job that's for sure. my sis will be having her baby in oct. i cant wait. i felt him kick for the first time yesterday. it was sooo cool. i'll be taking care of him while she's at work when he gets here. it's so exciting!!

Then yesterday i got an urge. A bad urge, i felt kind of like a drug addict who wanted just a little hit of the drug. I was dying to text the ex. I've been doing so well, i havent texted him since may 30th, which was his bday. So i called my girls and thank god they helped me out and talked me through it and i didnt text. I came pretty close to breaking down. I guess it's just i havent been interested at all in anyone else, he's still pretty fresh in my mind. Also there's this new guy who works at the cf clinic and omg, i get so nervous around him. he's 28yrs old and sooo cute. he's from san fran. When i get nervous i get really chatty and i was talking his ear off on tuesday. i mean i was there for over 4 hrs. so i was bored out of my mind. I got to know a bit about him. he has two masters in science and wants to go to med school and become a surgeon. what's wrong with pulmonology? lol. i hate that most people who work in the hospital field always see us patients not as regular people who go out and have fun. they think we just lay in bed and wait to die. I was telling him about these places i go to hang out with my friends and he was like, oh really! anyways the point to this was that i was so nervous doing my pft's cause he was right behind me telling me blow, blow, blow, you can do it, just a little bit more. I'm so evil all the horrible thoughts running through my head. haha, i just wanted to bust out laughing. plus you know when your doing a pft sometimes you squeeze your buns tight, lol. he was right behing me. i hope he wasnt looking down. then the coughing up afterwards was the worst. i kept thinking this is so unattractive. it's funny cause i bet he didnt even notice. i'm just silly when it comes to men. ugh. oh i'm going to the smokey mountains for new years!! yay!! i cant freaking wait. i love skiing. even though i'm horrible at it. ok that's about it. bye!!

Life Breath

Has anyone ever seen this movie? OMG, it was the hardest thing to watch. It's about a married couple and the wife has cf. She looks like she's in her twenties. There's this one part that really got to me, well the whole movie actually got to me but in this part she was lying in bed on oxygen at home watching tv. then she sees all these commercials about running, swimming, hiking, just stuff she cant do. of course it made me cry like a baby. Then when her husband gets home she's asking him why is he with her if she cant do anything and that was a rough scene as well. Another part is that she's lying in the hospital bed and she's on a vent and she's just struggling to breathe and her husband is just watching helplessly and unable to do anything. That made me remember the reason why i have such a hard time with relationships. I dont want to have someone go through that with me. I dont want to be a burden on someone and have them watch me die. i feel bad that my parents might have to bury me one day. i wish sometimes i could just do this all alone and not hurt anyone. My sister hates all the so called attention i get because i have cf and sometimes my family doesnt understand how bad of a disease cf is. they are always telling me i'll get better and that i can run like everyone else and swim as fast and if i get tired they think i'm lazy cause i want to rest. it's so tough sometimes to be in my family. they are great but they do not cope well with my cf. i mean even my sister told me that i wanted to get sicker to get attention from my mom. Also yesterday i was looking through my photo albums and i found two pictures of me and my ex from tampa. I cant believe it will be a year on july 3 that we met. actually today. he showed me what love was but only to take it away so soon. we used to talk on the phone everyday and he knew all my fears and all my cf concerns. i felt so happy with him, even if we stayed in his apt. all day it was great. i wonder all the time what he's doing now. we dont text nor talk. my wounds are still fresh. it's crazy, we broke up in nov. i'm still not over him. he's probably with someone else happy as a clam and i'm here tearing up. oh well such is life. hopefully i'll have a great july 4 and not cry too much knowing that it would have been our 1 yr anniversary july 6. his loss, right?