LOVE

lately i've been thinking about stuff and ever since i broke up with my ex (yes, i'm talking about my ex again) i havent had those butterflies about anyone. i mean i usually get butterflies when a cute guy comes in a room but nothing, i have no feelings. i've gone out on dates and i've done the internet thing and gone out with friends but i havent found anyone who's made me feel the least bit like the x. Could it be that i'm done? is that the love of my life? it sure feels like it, i feel no one will do the things he did. if you dont know just read my prior posts. lol. i saw his page on facebook. there's two of them one he has i guess for his family and one for his friends. i asked for a friend request which he hasnt replied to. Also he's back in tampa from a year of being in afghanistan. i'm going to be in tampa halloween weekend, i hope i dont run into him. that'll be pretty crazy since i'll be with a guy. the guy isnt anything but a good time and a good friend. i'll be a slutty schoolgirl for halloween. woohoo, that should be fun. ;)

Getting some mental therapy.

well i'm going to start seeing a psychologist. i so need one. i've been pretty blue lately and it's for no reason. well it might be due to the fact i dont have a guy and my family is asking me why not. also when i did this research thing for a psychologist at UM i almost started crying when she got to the emotional part. i know i've said this before but i feel like i have nothing to offer a man. i cant give him kids nor can i have a full-time job, i mean my health is my job. i love being able to do my vest if i need to in the middle of the day or a neb. i just love having all the time in the world to do and go wherever i want. But why cant i be like this when it comes to my dating life? also i hate when guys remember me for one thing, and it's not a good one. wtf is that all about? maybe i need to become a nun. geez i'm already 32 but in cf age it's more like 62. my friend told me he met this chick with a full-time job and getting her MBA and she was gorgeous and i was like how would i ever compete with that? oh, i can cough up more mucus than her??? i dont know how i'm better than anyone. i always feel like i have to accomadate to people and please them. pleasing them so they like me. why cant they please me? i'm so unbalanced when it comes to dating and relationships. i have no idea who's gonna want to put up with me. blah. i feel like relationshits is all i talk about. sorry everyone. i feel like the samantha in my group of friends. i always say i'm happy to be single but i long for someone. i hate dating.

shoulda, coulda, woulda, been 2yrs

july 4th has always been a fun day for me but two yrs ago it totally meant something more special. I met a guy who became my boyfriend, we watched fireworks together and the next day he asked me to be his girlfriend. Our relationship was very short. only 4 months but in that short time i gained a bunch of weight and he helped raise my spirit so high i was able to get off a lung transplant list. i remember the little things he would do. like when i look at his desk and saw i these answers of questions he had asked me on the phone like, what was my favorite color, and food, and holiday, what movies i loved. i never knew guys could be such dorks. lol, i loved him more than i could love anyone. he would do research online about cf, even when he was at work. which wasnt easy cause he was in the airforce and supposed to be working on more important things but i guess i was more. he would tell me about meds that they were trying to develop and to ask my doc about them. i really dont believe i will find anyone like that ever again. i mean come on, all the things he did for me, my cpt, he would make my food, he would make sure i never missed my meds and he would help me put on my o2 which i thought would be so embarrassing but he was like i dont mind, i dont care. we even had matching shirts at one point. Then one day, out of the blue he just said he didnt love me the way i loved him. my heart was ripped open from my chest. since that day i dont see men the same way. i try to meet guys but i have no want or will to get out there. so instead i try to meet guys through friends which sucks cause i'm very blunt and i'm straight forward and i scared them off. i just hate the getting to know you part and i'd rather just be like, u like me? ok i like you, lets date and get to know each other. i feel so damaged from the relationship i've seen with my parents and the ones in my past. it's weird but i do want to be in one but will i ever??? only god knows and he's not answering me at all. :(

GLEE

omg, i'm addicted to glee!! it's crazy, i love it sooo much. i wish i could sing like they do. michele lea has such an amazing voice and jonathan groff is gorgeous, why do he have to be gay? :( i'm watching the episodes i've missed. i might be starting cayston real soon. i've signed some papers to get the meds. i still havent seen any progress with me working out and doing all my meds and cpt once with a therapist and again with my vest but i havent gotten sick so i guess thats good. nothing else is really new. all is the same which i guess is good. the only thing missing is a good man but hey, we cant have it all. lol. i do want one with all my heart but things cant be rushed. i always seem to want guys i cant have, like ones who live states away. i really dont find anyone attractive in miami. i've decided when i make money from the insurance indemnities i would want to move to west palm beach. laters, wendy v.

Bad Dreams.....

last night was a tough night. a friend's ex passed away, she had a transplant about a yr ago and she just gave up. i guess because of that i had a horrible dream. i had a dream i was in the hospital and it was for a tune up. then i wake up and i have these chest tubes and people are telling me i'm doing great with my new lungs. i freaked out, it was so weird cause i was floating on top of my body looking at myself. i was so mad, i didnt want a transplant like that. so i woke up all scared, and now i feel like a sinus cold is coming on. blah. this yr has been tough for cfers, alot of us have passed on. i hope this stops by the summer time. it's such a sad time. :(

DOWNER!!

well after taking two days off this weekend i got back to working out on monday. i did one mile on the tredmil and jumped rope, it has a counter on it and i did about 100 jumps. then i do some cooling down exercises. At night i was online and chatting with a friend and i told this friend my fev1 which i know sucks, it's at 28% which it has been since late last yr. but my docs dont seem to be worried and they know that if i needed to get on the transplant list i would totally understand and i feel great. Well my friend was so mean and scarying me. he told me that if i caught a bug i would die and i wont get back to baseline and i should get evaluated, hello my doctor is on the board of members who select if someone needs a tx or not. i think he would have told me a long time ago if i needed one. i was just so upset cause i know this isnt my baseline, i know i can do better. today i was back on the tredmil and i did a over a mile and a half and did the jump rope for over a hundred jumps. then at night i do the vest, in the morning a therapist comes and gives me cpt. also i know that the new med azteronam will bring my fev1 up. when i went to the doc last monday my fev1 stayed the same but my fvc went up alot. over ten points. so i was happy and my weight is stable at 105 which is great for me. ok, gotta go. wendy v.

finally new post!

well lets see. what's new??? i went to tennessee for new years and had a great time. i became an auntie in oct and i've been loving it! i hope to start school soon but my financial aid didnt go through cause i owe a loan which now i'm paying off. i own a toyota camry which i need to change to gas pedal cause one day my car wont stop. great! It's all quiet on the boyfriend front. story of my life. lol. oh, in dec. i wrote an email to my ex and he wrote me back not to bother him so it was an awesome wake up call. i've never bothered him again, also he told me he's getting sent to afghanistan(sp) great time to tell people to fuck off. the only reason i wrote to him was because i was feeling super sick and i wanted to vent and maybe get some support from him. Big Mistake!

I'm working out a lot more. i'm actually doing a mile a day on the tredmil and i'm trying to better my time each day i do it. when i started it took me 28 mins and now i'm at 19 mins. it's been about 3 weeks since i started working out this intensily(sp). i jump rope as well and i do about 200 jumps a day. i've been doing this for about 3 weeks and i went to the doc on monday and weight is still 105 and my fev1 sucks at 28 but my fvc went super high, it's in the 50's. my doc was impressed. i'm a horrible speller. umm.....i figured out a way to make money each time i go into the hospt. it's getting these insurance policies and they pay you for each day you are there. i know some cfers who have 11 policies and some of them pay from 300 to 1000 dollars a day. also there's ones that if you need a transplant the day you go for the operation you get 25 grand. my friend has 3 of those and that 75 grand you can have and new lungs! also incase your not listed in your state and have to stay somewhere else that money will go a long way. i'm very excited about this cause i couple of yrs ago i got so sick i was going in like every 3 months. now if that happens i'll be at least making money. i know money isnt everything but not being able to work a full time job with cf at least i'm getting some sort of income. also since i have ssdi i dont have to tell the government and it's all tax free. so ladies when i go in the hosp i might be coming out with 10 grand. lol. my mom is going to help me take out some policies and of course she wants half the cut. lol. i'm only going in once a year right now but who knows what the future holds. it only counts if your inhouse not in home health. with this money and me also going back to school and working as a sub. teacher i want to move out and finally start living on my own. i will find a place close to home cause i'll probably eat dinner at my parents place. lol. i hope and pray things go as planned. i actually have a happy outlook on the future. :) ok, if anyone has questions about the policies let me know and i can give you the agents number. some polices are like twenty dollars a month but can go up to 300 a month. those pay out a grand a day when your in so it's worth it in the end. here are some new pics!!!