Thursday, February 6, 2014

In the Hosp. (long update)

So i'm back in the hosp. i was just here in oct. i went to the clinic on monday and i had a total breakdown. I knew something was up last week. It started with my sats being really low. like the highest would be between 93-94 without o2. i was kinda homesick and i just felt really depressed and anxious. So i've been here since tues and my sats are still the same. I'm kinda nervous cause i'm feeling more pressure in my chest. unsure if it's from all the coughing and the vest. i'm honestly kinda scared. tomorrow i have to do a pft, lets see how that goes. my last one was 25%. i was reading old post where i was doing so much better. it makes me so sad cause i have no idea what i'm doing different. i really try so hard. i think it's the homesickness and depression that's hitting me hard. also i lost my bestfriend of over 20yrs. we had a huge fight and now she's moved on. i emailed her but she never emailed me back. now she's with her ex, ex, ex boyfriend with whom she's going to marry and she already bought a house (well he did) and they are moving in. Why is it that i feel that people's life always gets better without me? ugh. so do i need a transplant? i dunno. do i want one? sometimes. am i scared? fuck yeah. i feel like i'll be giving up and there are so many risks with transplants and lets just say my kidneys aren't doing all that great. well my zoloft was upped and so was my clonopin while at the hosp. ok, gotta go. later, wendy v.

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