Monday, February 24, 2014

No one believes me......

My parents house, the place i thought was my zen is totally ruined by two people. My mom invited this lady and her daughter to live at my parents house. The daughter is 3yrs old and is the most spoiled, unruly, little child i have ever met. i always thought boys were bad but i was so wrong. I was in the hosp for 9 days came home and got a head cold. I wonder from whom. My parents don't believe me when i tell them that kids transfer germs and even though they might not get sick another person can. it's like i'm talking to a fucking wall. when i left the hosp my pft's were at a shitty 29% and today 26%. how the fuck did it go down so quick. i have only two people to blame. i'm sorry but when you come from a 3rd world country you have germs that live on you that others don't have. i don't really care how evil i sound because it's my life and i'm the one who will pay with my life in the end. It looks like they are here to stay. I bought my mom a laptop for christmas and the lady that's staying here uses it more than my mom. it kills me when i see that because the only income i get is from ssi so it's not like i have all the money in the world. My parents have always been great to me. Except for their denile about my health. they say i'm perfectly fine. 26% fev1, that's great, look at how fucking great i look. i wish they would breathe for one day with my lungs and see how fucking great i feel. My parents have smoked since they were both 14 and still smoke even though i have cf. i just don't understand how they are so great to me in one way and just destroy me in another. I feel like i have no one who understands except my boyfriend jeff. A couple of weeks ago i was so depressed i thought i would have a breakdown. i went to the hosp for iv's and saw a psychiatrist and i'm feeling a little better except for the fact that i'm at my parents house. i'm leaving monday and it can't come soon enough. i know i shouldn't live in a bubble but being with a 3yr old who touches everything she sees is just insane. i want to keep these lungs as long as possible. when i go anywhere i always carry hand sanitizer, i just feel safer. why can't my mom and dad be more understanding.. my mom told me i have to carry lysol wipes everywhere in the  house. why don't they fucking wear them, they are the ones who are the guests. FUCK MY LIFE!!!!! I swear i was so much happier in the hosp. i spoke with all the nurses and therapist and docs. even the cafeteria people. i felt like they all understood me and that i needed to get better which i did while i was there. now here at my parents house i'm alone stuck in my room. when i leave my room i have to wear a mask and wipe everything down. I know it sounds like i'm crazy but when i got to my parents place from the hosp there was a bottle of tamiflu that the lady and little girl were taking cause they were sick with the flu. My mom was like that was two weeks ago. it's all gone. yeah, right. i got sick while on antibiotics and today i fucking blew a 26%. I have to stay here til monday but after that i'm not coming back to my parents house. i feel like they have chosen these guests over me. they don't care about my well being and i don't feel like i should be treated this way. i'm upset, i cry, i feel like i have no one on my side while i'm in my parents place. I swear that when i leave here and go back to spring hill and i have to come back for my doc appts. i will stay with my aunt or my sis. I don't care if it hurts my mom cause she does things daily to hurt me. with her smoking and her disreguard of my health. that is all. goodnite.

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