therapy

so....me and another cf friend of mine were talking about some of the difficulties we were having lately. she told me she wanted to see a therapist and i said i do to. i just hate feeling these highs and lows all the time. i feel like i need to talk to someone who knows what i might be going through in a medical sense i guess. i've never been this weak after a breakup. i'm usually strong!! well he hasnt written back since i last emailed him and i'm not surprised. i asked my friend why he doesnt react to the things i write to him and she told me the straight up truth. that the reason he didnt respond is because he has no feelings at all for me. it hurt like hell to hear it but it made total sense!

now to cf stuff. i'm doing the research med and i'm having this dry hacking cough. especially when i lay down. i'm not sure if it's cause i feel like i'm getting a cold. i dont think it's the cold cause i feel better from that. i hate having to sterilize and clean the eflow each time i use it. i'm kinda lazy in that sense. lol. it takes a minute to do so i shouldnt complain. i might go an a european cruise for my bday!! my best friend who is coming along says i better be at my best, health wise or she'll be carrying everywhere on her back. hopefully by that time i'll have the new portable air concentrator that only weighs 4lbs. also i dont mind wearing it cause i'll be in a different country and who'll remember me over there. lol.

email.....

so last night i was up late as usual and i wrote an email to my ex. i know, i know, i sound crazy. who knows maybe i am. but what can i say i needed to tell him stuff and get things off my chest. you know women need closure, well at least i do. i wrote him that i still loved him and that i'll probably always will and that i'm sorry i'm having trouble moving on. i told him that he just did things that nobody else had done for me. it's weird i guess at my age with cf maybe my mind thinks that it will be my last love? i dunno i'm so weird. well he hasnt written back and i dont think he will. in a way it's so hard to be angry at him. he broke up with me like a real man. he didnt cheat or let me stay in a relationship that sucked. he wants me to be happy and move on and find someone else. i think i wrote this in my last blog. sorry i have a head cold and i just took some meds. lol. i'm thinking of seeing a therapist to see why this relationship has hit me so much harder than any other. i have medicare and medicaid and i have no idea how to look for one or if they insurance will even pay. this weekend i'll be in the keys and i love it there. it's so relaxing and just sitting on the dock outside looking at the ocean. it just clears your mind and it's so peaceful. i hope to seek that kind of clear headedness (is that a word?) this weekend. xoxo.

crying

well of course i fuck everything up that i say i'm going to do. i hate being weak, which is what i have been lately. i get happy about things then i think about other things and i get sad. it sucks cause i guess i just need more things on my plate so i dont think at all. i texted my ex this weekend and things went ok. we didnt get into personal issues, i just told him that i was going to start the research med tomorrow. it's so weird how stupid little things pop into your head and they make you so emotional. i think about how he would put on his uniform every morning and tie up his boots and put his cap on so perfectly, the face that he used to make when he put it on was priceless. i cant believe thinking of something so small like that can make me cry. lately all i do is cry. but it's not sad cry it's more like letting things out crying. i've always been tough and cold when it came to feelings. i never let any one or any thing hurt me. i never cried when i would be in the hospital getting poked by a thousand needles, i never cried when a cf friend would die, i always knew they were going to a better place, i never cried when a family member died cause i thought the same thing. Lately all these memories and emotions are just pouring out of me. i guess since this is the first love i've ever lost it's hit me so much and now i'm feeling every loss i've had. i pray every night that i can move on and get over him. it even sucks more that he has nothing to say but kind words about me. he doesnt hate me, infact he wants the best for me. he wants me to move on and be happy, when all i want is to be with him.

last night was my bff's bday and we went bowling! it was a great time!! here are some pics!!

Took a Break......

well i was taking a break from blogging. i've just been working out a ton and trying to stay healthy. it seems like everyone is getting the flu or a cold. i do not want that at all. i've been taking my vitamins and my antibiotics. i'm also very excited that on monday i will start the new research med. there's a 3 in 4 chance i will get the med and not the placebo. i pray i get the med. me and the ex are pretty much done. there's absolutely no contact at all. he doesnt text me anymore to see if i'm ok and last time i texted him, he told me he had moved on but not dating anyone. i was hurt but life goes on. i have been feeling great lately. no complaints. i've been doing so much exercise and i've been keeping the house clean. i feel like a maid sometimes. lol. lately i've been getting alot of attention cause since i've gained so much weight my clothes are tighter and i have hips, and thighs, and a butt now. wooohooo!!! i've been trying to get a job but my schedule is kinda packed. now that i'm doing the research study i have to go to the clinic every week to do bloodwork and other things. i also have my respiratory therapist who comes everyday in the morning to do my beatings and i cant miss that. lately i've been so bloated, i'm now going to start taking beano and i'm taking a probiotic to help more with my digestion. hope it helps. i feel so bloated!! i guess that's my only complaint. on saturday it's my best friend's bday!! she's turning 32 and we are going to this place called lucky strike to bowl. it's an adult bowling alley, you have to be 21 to get in so no kiddies! they have a bar and a dj so i'm hoping for tons of fun!!!!

PFT's

i went to the docs on monday and finally my pft's went higher. my fev1 went from 31% to 35%. and my weight is stable 103 which is fine for my small frame, i'm only 4'11". also i saw the endo and my blood sugars arent that bad but they could be a bit better. sometimes i do get into the low 200's which isnt good. i think my eyes are also giving me problems. sometimes i feel like they arent fully opened. it's like that feeling when you just wake up and they are still adjusting and your vision is still kind of blurry or doubled. it's weird, i really cant explain it. i think i need to start taking some sleeping pills. last night i didnt fall asleep until 4am and then took naps most of the day. i was able to do my workouts and clean the house floors. Next monday is going to be a crazy doctor day. i have to be at 10am at my pulmonologist to start a research med so they have to do an evaluation. that will take 2hrs. then at 1pm i have an endo appt. and then at 2pm i have to go back to the pulmo. for a regular visit. i'm so dreading that day. something retarded i did, i went to eharmony and tried it out for a month which was pretty expensive and my matches sucked! lol. how horrible is that!! also i'm going to try to go back to school for paralegal studies. my friend told me they hire temps alot and that's exactly the type of schedule i need. oh last thing my ex still hasnt contacted to check why i havent been around for a while. i guess that's my answer that he's too busy cause he's moved on. today i had the biggest urge to text him with my new number and i pick up my book "it called a breakup cause it's broken" and thank god it helped me see that i'm worth more than him and he's the one that made the choice to breakup with me so if he wants to contact me he knows my email and my house number so wtf. i know there's someone out there for me, you know what they say it happens when your not looking, there's plenty of fish in the sea, you need to meet new people, god has a plan for you, and etc. i hope all those phrases are right cause i just dont know anymore. i'm totally leaving it up to life it's self. no more searching online or asking people if they know anyone it's just too much. if i'm single it's cause i havent found the right one and that's it. no more blaming myself or the other person in the past, it's just over. i am happy either way!!!