crying

well of course i fuck everything up that i say i'm going to do. i hate being weak, which is what i have been lately. i get happy about things then i think about other things and i get sad. it sucks cause i guess i just need more things on my plate so i dont think at all. i texted my ex this weekend and things went ok. we didnt get into personal issues, i just told him that i was going to start the research med tomorrow. it's so weird how stupid little things pop into your head and they make you so emotional. i think about how he would put on his uniform every morning and tie up his boots and put his cap on so perfectly, the face that he used to make when he put it on was priceless. i cant believe thinking of something so small like that can make me cry. lately all i do is cry. but it's not sad cry it's more like letting things out crying. i've always been tough and cold when it came to feelings. i never let any one or any thing hurt me. i never cried when i would be in the hospital getting poked by a thousand needles, i never cried when a cf friend would die, i always knew they were going to a better place, i never cried when a family member died cause i thought the same thing. Lately all these memories and emotions are just pouring out of me. i guess since this is the first love i've ever lost it's hit me so much and now i'm feeling every loss i've had. i pray every night that i can move on and get over him. it even sucks more that he has nothing to say but kind words about me. he doesnt hate me, infact he wants the best for me. he wants me to move on and be happy, when all i want is to be with him.

last night was my bff's bday and we went bowling! it was a great time!! here are some pics!!