How do i change the background?

How do i change the background. i've done it before but when i try to add a new one it doesnt pop up. anyways everything is going ok since yesterday. no big changes. lol. chatted with some friends online. i got my new ipod in the mail and my new speakers but i'm still waiting for the twilight movie. i have no idea how i got so into it. i swore i was going to hate it and i started watching it and loved it! cant wait for the next one. well it's 60 days til i go to hawaii. i'm super excited but i'm the type of person who holds it all in. with cf you learn to do that cause you never know what can happen the next day, hour, minute. it sucks but it's reality. i never syke myself for anything cause i know it might not happen. i've been chatting with another cf online who is going through a rough patch in his relationship. it's really helped me to be able to vent to someone who also has cf and understands our mind set when it comes to relationships. well it's late and i have therapy in the morning.

This Weekend....Family Drama!

This weekend was alright no biggie. In a way i cant wait to just get out of miami!! sometimes i wish i didnt have cf so i could just travel the world. with cf we have to lug all our meds with us and we need to be close to a pharmacy, a hospital, and cf doctors. Thank god that the internet has introduced me with many other cf's around the world, so i know there are many cf clinics out there if i ever do want to move.

on friday i went to dinner with my cousin then went to a friend's house. my sis was there as well as some couples. it felt like i was in an episode of the view. all the women sitting around a table talking about issues and entertainment and of course gossip. i got bored after a bit. we left at around 2am. then saturday during the day i heard that my cousin was having a bbq at her place. i got there and it was a bunch of people i didnt know. they were all her bf's friends. i cant stand her bf so i was super upset that they were making a mess of the place. why didnt they do it at his place? so i was at the bbq just looking at all these early kids in their twenties and wondering if i ever acted that stupid. they didnt even introduce themselves to me. they just pretended i wasnt there. my cousin's sisters were there. they are younger and i made the biggest mistake to complain to them about what was happenning. so i left a little while afterwards. Then at night i went to go see I LOVE YOU MAN!! lol. it was really great. while i was watching the movie i looked at my phone and saw that i had 3 text messages. weird cause i usually never have that many at a time. it was my cousin saying that i was very rude and whoever she wants to invite to her place is her business. first of all that's her parents place and those arent her friend's their her bf's. does she actually think those guys are going to stay friends with her after they break up? ugh, i just got so mad. today was my other cousin's bday party at some sushi place. i didnt go because i didnt want drama and i didnt want to ruin my cousin's party. it was just a mess. w/e i cant stand the dude. i even heard that he cheated on her. i know it's none of my business and i should stay out of it and blah, blah, blah, but that's my blood and i will defend it to the end. that guy has to go!!

R.I.P. Abuelo

my grandpa died last saturday. he was 84 yrs old. he lived a rough life. he was in jail for about 20yrs in cuba for being against castro. i was at a wedding when he passed. my mom wanted me to go out and just live. it was the saddest wedding i had ever been to.

so this week has been blah. i'm ovulating so i'm having these crazy mood swings! i feel like crying one minute and the next i want to kick someone's ass!! plus i havent texted nor emailed the ex in about a month. i'm very proud but also sad cause i cant believe he hasnt checked to see if i'm doing ok. i guess since i complained that i didnt want him as a friend if he was just pitting me cause i was sick he must have been like well fuck her. i just want to find the one already. god why cant i find him? i've tried everything. i feel like such a loser always fucking talking about this. i'm really not like this at all, i just love venting when i write and i always vent about my health and my lack of relationships. couples make me barf! yesterday my friend told me he was going to propose to his gf and he was looking at rings. i actually started to look at rings as well just to get an idea. lol. i'm such a dork. i found a dress and an antique looking ring. haha. i dont even have a man and i'm doing all this crap. geez!!

St. Patty's Day AfterMath! lol

My Patty's day was fun. went out with some friends and walked like crazy! my feet still hurt!! there was some drama but thank god none with me. i'm so glad all my exes dont live near me. that's one reason i love long distance relationships. lol. Also a great update, even though i've only up dosed my antidepression meds i already feel the difference. i dont have the sad thoughts like before and i'm able to fall asleep so much faster!! i'm so much more happier. i see the sunshining in my life brighter than ever! also i might have a couple of more girl friends going on the cruise so that'll be fun. i know that hawaii is the honeymoon capital so i'm glad i'll be with other single gals! today is my dinner and movie night at my cousins place. i love going there and just chit chatting about stuff, it's fun!! i have a wedding on saturday, blah. there arent my cup of tea. i swear if and when i get married i will do it with only a few close family members and friends and i'll be dressed in a very simple dress and it will be very laid back and relaxed!!!!

crazy doc appt.

well today i had a visit with my psychiatrist. i told him about how blue i've been feeling lately and how everything makes me so emotional. i see him because when i was 23 i quit drinking and having "fun" cold turkey. then all of the sudden i started having really bad panic attacks where i would pass out and i wasnt able to work or go out of my house. i stayed in my house for two weeks straight. it was the scariest time of my life back then. ok so i saw him today and told him everything and he upped my dose of zoloft and gave me something to go to sleep with but i'm scared to take it. i called my cf doc and he told me to hold off on it until i see him next monday. they gave me lunesta. i dunno what's wrong with me. i still tear up whenever someone asks me about my ex or what happened. i just dont know why it's so painful. i've had so many great things happen to me after him. i should have been able to let him go. i am doing much better though, i havent emailed or texted him in about 3 weeks. i'm so fucking lame. well the great thing is that i'm going to hawaii!!!! yep, i've set up all the flights and hotels stays and the cruise the most important part. here are some pics of me in the keys last weekend!!!

I'm going to be an Auntie!!!

My sis is preggers! i'm so excited for her!! I cant wait to be an aunt. i'm actually going to take care of it while my sis is at work and stuff. i really want to do this on my own. no one ever lets me take care of a baby. everyone thinks i'm horrible with them. yeah right! just because i'm 31 with no kids doesnt mean i hate kids. hispanic people can be so retarded sometimes!! sometimes i want to get preggers to show them i can do it! i'm kinda sad too cause i just keep thinking i will never experience that. i'm going to get personal but i was pregnant when i was 20. i was in the hospital for 2 weeks cause i was sick. i didnt know i was also preggers. they asked me if i was and i said no, they asked me if i was sure cause the meds could affect the baby. when i got out of the hospital i noticed i was late. i did a pregnancy test and it was positive. i told my parents and they played the good cop/bad cop routine. i decided to end the pregnancy. i honestly couldnt see myself having a baby. it would be ten yrs old now. the father was a coke head who had the worst temper in the world. of course when i met him he wasnt like that. he met some new people at a job he got a year into our relationship and he just changed once he got into the drug. also i was doing so well with the ex situation. i hadnt cried in over a week, then of course i went on his myspace and he had an adventurous mood and all this happy shit. my heart sank and then i cried. i wish i could just see his stuff and not be sad!! god i just want to get over him. i've tried meeting new people and chatting with new guys and it just doesnt work :( well i'm going to hawaii for my 32nd bday. even though the cruise is in may it's still for my bday! it's a hawaiian cruise! still doing the research med and it's going fine. nothing much more to say for now! bye!