ENOUGH!!

enough with men!! i swear i'm so done. i've deleted all the losers numbers and wont be contacting any of them. i'd rather be totally alone than keep being used. i'm just going to keep my focus on my health and family and close friends. if a man comes into my life then that's great, if not then that's fine too. i hate going back and fourth on this and yes it sucks to be alone but i dont want to whine anymore. i'm almost 32 and i should be happy i'm alive, most of my friends didnt make it to where i am now. ok, i'm out and going to workout. peace out everyone!! RIP sweets, I LOVE YOU!! xoxo.

It's been forever!

I've been pretty busy with stuff. I'm applying for tons of per-diem jobs and trying to get interviews so i havent had time to put all of my thoughts together. So right now i'm blue, my dog sweets was 14yrs old and had to be put to sleep today. i'm so sad but i cant cry. i know i will i'm just waiting for it to all come out. my mom has been crying non stop. i even emailed the ex and he didnt write back, no surprise. i'm so poor right now and my phone bill came out to over $100 dollars. i used the internet on it and i thought it was free. big huge mistake. i've been talking to a couple of new guys but no progress. i still have my DC guy and i'm going to visit him once my sis has her baby boy. my lungs are doing ok. last year i went to seaworld and had to use a wheelchair cause i was so outta breath. this year i went to aquatica one day and seaworld the next and did it all on my own!! i feel like i caused this to happen. i was mad one day and i asked god to just take me cause i couldnt stand life anymore. instead he took my best friend. :( i shouldnt have done that. i'm so stupid. i just dont feel like i'm useful, i feel like i just take, take, take. as you can tell i'm ovulating and on a downer. i hope things get better next week. i have a job interview and i see my doctor and i go to the research clinic. laters, wendy v.

just the same thing......

Nothing different is going on. everything is chill. My sis's baby shower was on sunday and it was great. that guy i went out on a date with texted me like once last week. just to say hi. f'ing loser. oh, i went today to my research appt and the cute guy was there. it was so embarrassing cause he was taking my vitals and my heart rate was at 118. i told him it's always that high but really it's cause i have a huge crush on him. lol. Also i got his number!! not for personal reasons but incase i have a question about the meds and stuff. i'm going to orlando for labor day and i cant wait. ummm.......really nothing else is new. my fev1 was at 32% today without doing my meds or therapy. that's pretty good, i guess. i'm not complaining. as all as i feel great and i'm not getting sick i really dont care about my numbers. also i am pushing myself more than ever with my workouts. the doctor said never go by the numbers unless you feel them. I dont feel them so i'm happy. i might have to have my wisdom teeth pulled out. ugh!! ok that's about it. peace out!

I'm always in the friend zone....

well i finally heard from my bff today. After i called her of course. She dumped her bf of almost 2yrs and now is dating a 23 yr old. and he's already staying over her place. sometimes i dont know what goes through her head. Also that guy i went out on the bad date with is telling everyone at his job which is the job my friend works at that we are in the friend zone and there was no chemistry and we will stay friends. No shit!! I dont even want the fucker for a friend. Screw him!! The only guy that's paying any attention to me is one with a girlfriend. well we have known each other forever but now he has this chick and it sucks. so today has been a horrible day. i feel like i'm getting left out by the whole world. I cant wait for friday, my cousin is having a pool party and it should be lots of fun. well gotta go.

How they do it.....

I have no idea how people can breakup with someone and then just start dating the next day. Someone close to me had a breakup about a month ago and is already seeing someone new. I really cant stand miami and the way people are here. I'd love to get away from this atomsphere. It's just so stressful and toxic. Another friend of mine that i liked a long while back is dating someone and i'm super happy for him but why not me? Did you know that in miami there are ten girl for every guy. The competition here is insane. Also families put tons of pressure on you about dating and being alone. They are relaxed with me because of my CF. They think oh well she has it harder cause of her illness. That guy that i went on the date on texted me the next day but i havent heard from him since and dont really care if i ever do. I know i started this blog to speak about my CF but right now i'm doing well. Not perfect in anyway but i havent been in the hospital for almost a year and stable with my pft's. I've decided to start paralegal school in Jan. with my cousin. I want a temp job and there's tons of law firms here hiring. I dont want full time cause i'll lose my SSI and my medicare/medicaid. Plus being a temp you'll have a job for a month and then you can take 3 weeks off and relax. I dont want to be stuck at one place. Especially since CF is so unpredictable. This sunday is my sis's baby shower. It will only be the ladies. I know it'll be tons of fun but i'll be kinda depressed i wont ever be able to know what a baby inside me feels like. I'll be sure to post pics. Not to sound dirty but i need a man in my life!! lol.

Bad Date!!

well my best friend set me up with a guy from her job. he saw my facebook and thought i was cute and i thought he was good looking too. So we talked during the week and saturday decided to go to the beach. i didnt tell him about my cf cause i wanted him to get to know me first. Actually this is on the advice of my family and friends. they are saying i am not cf, and that i shouldnt just blurt it out to everyone. It's hard for me to do that cause i know at one point i'm going to cough or take out my pills and i am cf in a way.

We get to the beach and everything is fine. He's kinda quiet and i'm the kind of person who likes to talk and be fun. I'm trying to get him out of his "shell" so i try to put him on the spot which i thought he would be ok with cause on our talks on the phone he was so flirty with me. I asked him so do you still think i'm cute? The dude didnt say a word back, i swear i heard cricketts in the backgroud. I was like well since you didnt say anything i guess that means no. Then he said that's not true, maybe i just dont want you to know what i think. By that time i was already done with him. Then we walk back to the garage i parked my car at and the elevator didnt work. We had to climb 6 flights of stairs. I was pretty SOB, he was looking at me like wow, what a lazy chick. I couldnt stand him thinking something so wrong so i told him i had cf. Of course i'm the kind of person who likes to be blunt and say the truth about cf. i'm not going to paint a beautiful great picture cause if i do get worse i wouldnt want him to say i didnt tell him. After i told him he immediately changed the subject. We got to his place and we watched a movie and he cooked me dinner. Well this part is pretty messed up. We had a joke on the phone about taking showers. So i asked him what are you going to do now? He said i'm going to take a shower and blah, blah, blah. So i said i'd love to take a shower. Which he replied, dont you have a shower in your house. OMG, that was the last straw!! I was like yeah you're right. So i gave him a hug goodbye and he told me to text him when i got home which i didnt care to do. I was so upset. I felt like darn do i look that horrible in person? i know i take ok pics but this guy was a dick. i guess he was the first guy i really thought was cute since my ex so it hit me hard. Also i saw my ex had been online and he never replied to my email. kinda hurt. Last night was really horrible. I'm so thankfull for my good friends. especially my friend joe in DC. i wish he lived here. we would be together in a heartbeat. lol. well that's about it. hope everyone had a great weekend. laters, wendy

i disappoint myself

yep, i've done something bad. i emailed the ex on fri. or thurs. dont recall the day. well he hasnt written back to me. that's probably a good sign. i let my best friend read it and she said it was actually great. didnt sound horrible at all. just one person updating another one and hoping they are ok. so i hope that's how he sees it as well. puke, i cant believe i did that. fuck!