Working Out and Neck Pain!!

i've been working out a lot lately. last sunday i did my home pft machine thingy to see how i was doing. at first the numbers were not so great but then i did it one more time and i got 1.01 fev1!! i know this is just a little machine and who knows how accurate it is but i was so happy. so this week i've been doing my workouts and i think since i'm going to get my period soon i've had a lot more to cough up. well my neck is killing me from so much stress from coughing. earlier in the week it was my chest but now it moved to my neck. it hurts so much to cough or just move my head around. today i did another pft and the highest i got was a .94, i wasn't too happy but it was better than i thought it would be. this weekend we were supposed to go kayaking but it's going to rain the whole weekend. so i should rest today but i want to workout. not sure what to do since it's almost 3:30 and i've been in bed all day. lol. i feel like a lush. ok, so i'm gonna get my self outta bed and go out. :) laters, wendy v.

Family.....

Well what can i say, it's been a rough week and it's only tuesday. I'm my sister's maid of honor but since i live 5hrs away from her and my family i feel like i've been left out. I call my sis and she never tells me if i need to do something. Yesterday i get an email from my cousin who is hosting the bachelorette cruise we are going on. I was super upset she invited like 5 of her friends. I really can't stand them. I've tried to get along with them but they are so shallow and plastic. They are true mean girls!! I'm gonna feel so outta place, i mean they wear makeup and heels to go to the pool. All with fake boobs and fake personalities. They look at me like, Oh it's the sick sister. I'm dreading this cruise. Then i starting thinking about my family and how they see my CF. Actually that's the problem, They Don't!! It's sad to say i have a huge family and they have never once walked with me at a cf event or helped me raise money. I feel alone sometimes, my family doesn't understand. My sister feels like i got all the attention from my mom cause of my CF and even says i try to get attention by "acting sick". I'll admit, i can feel fine one day and crappy the next. My sis doesnt like me, i know it. We have totally different friends and see the world differently. I wish my sister would call me and ask me how i'm feeling, or if i need anything. When she comes to see me in the hospital (which is rarely) she needs to bring people so she doesnt get bored. I wish she was closer to me but she says she feels left out by the close relationship me and my mom have. My sister has friends that she knows i can't stand. The friends that only have "expensive" taste. Why does she dislike me so much? I sometimes wish i didn't have cf and we'd probably get along better. My mom gets sad because of this often. I do as well. i've tried to let my sister into my world but she doesn't have any feelings towards it. I have so many cousins and aunts and uncles and now that i live away from them it's like i don't even exist. I had such a hard time falling asleep last night. My boyfriend didnt make it any better, this weekend on saturday i coughed and he told me i had an ear piercing cough, i'm still fucking mad about it. REALLY?? My cough is ear piercing!!! Fuck Everyone!! I didn't tell him how much it bothered me but i will tonight when he gets home. that's all for now, wendy v.

Bullys!!

I feel so bad for those kids who kill themselves over bullys. I was made fun of  a lot when i was in school, i got my pills taken away from me in front of everyone in the school cafeteria and called a drug user, i was called a nerd in front of my math class, i could go on and on. All of this not cause i was gay but because i had Cystic Fibrosis. Of course, no one knew i had CF in school because it wasn't any of their business. I think the internet and social networks have a lot to do with these kids getting so depressed and harming themselves. I don't understand why bullying is so prevelent now a days. I know back when i was growing up people who were gay didn't "show" it as much as now. They kept it secret until they were adults. I don't think kids who are gay should try and not be so in your face about it. I don't mean to be mean but kids will make fun of you. Stick up for yourself, try going to a self defense class and those bullys will respect you and go away. whenever you are different people will always comment and you must have tough skin. That's how i got my tough skin, i don't let people run over me cause i'm short or cause i look young or cause of my CF. People sometimes stare if i cough and i just don't care. i used to care a lot before but i hang out with friends who know about my CF and will stand up for me as well. Sometimes people need to be slapped across the face for being so stupid. If i have to wear my O2, i wear it. i have no time to think about what other people think, if they keep looking i will tell them. if they got time to stare, i got time to share my story with them. ok, can you tell it's my time of month. lol. that is all. :)

Doc appt!!

it was a good appt!!! i actually went up on my pft's! i went from having only .79 to .84 getting up there to a liter! i know it sounds crappy and it is, but it's a step forward. i'm super happy in only 6 weeks without iv antibiotics i was able to get a higher pft result. i guess my working out is actually working!! my boyfriend says he's super proud of me and so am i. :) i go back to spring hill tomorrow and back to my eliptical and my man. i have a 5hr drive ahead of me so i should get some good rest. i have to pack a ton of things before i leave. i talked to my psychologist and she really helped me see that just because my boyfriend isn't the most romantic doesn't mean anything. he's an awesome person and that's that!!!

romance

so i've been in miami for over a week now. i go back to spring hill on tuesday. since i've been home i've been catching up with my friends and having tons of girl talks. there's this one friend that was asking me if my boyfriend was romantic, honestly he's the most caring, loving person but not romantic what so ever. it kinda makes me sad. i would love roses when i get home or gifts. i mean i know he loves me but when i hear about what romantic things guys do to their girlfriends, it breaks my heart mine doesn't. he knows he's not romantic, i mean i'll ask him to get me a present and he gets me the wrong thing, at least he gets me something i guess. he does my therapy and takes care of me when i'm sick which is so important to me, but why do i feel jealous when my friends get watches, rings, purses, sunglasses from their boyfriends and not me. i also think to myself, he already does so much for me, maybe i shouldn't ask him for more. is it fair for me to just do that. i mean he wants me to tell him what ring i want if he proposes me to. he's so unromantic, it just hurts sometimes. i dont know if it's my horomones and i'm freaking out about nothing or if i should bring it up? i don't want to make him feel bad either. i miss miami so much, i hate living so fucking far away. i do think i'm ovulating cause i'm mad as hell for no reason. i think memorial day weekend we are going to the keys, we'll see. tomorrow i got a pulmonary doc appt. i hope all my working out and extra therapy will help me. it's weird cause i feel more stuff moving all around in my lungs, it bothers the shit outta me. ugh. i also have to do a 6 minute walk test for the stupid oxygen company, hello fuckers my pft's are at 30%, fuck yeah, i need o2. before that appt i have to see my psychiatrist and then after the pulmonologist i have an appt for a microdermabrassion. it's gonna be a long ass day. so not looking forward to anything at all. wenv.

Ambition

wha'ts my ambition in life? what do i want to be when i grow up?? well i'm 34yrs old and i should already have a career but instead i'm on disablility and i'm a stay at home girlfriend. i must admit housework is hard. there's always something to clean up. What's weird is my drive, my ambition, my need in life is to just live! i love waking up doing my meds and vest, then working out in the afternoon, running and doing the eliptical and walking the dog. I love when my boyfriend gets home he give me cpt and then i do my  night meds. If i had a career there's no way i would have all this time. i love that my health is the first thing on my list of things to do. Is that bad? people think i'm not striving for something or becoming something. i've always hated school and when i did go i got super sick. i can't do online classes cause i like being in a classroom enviorment. i wish they had classes for people with low immune systems, that would be so rad!! also i have no idea what i would want to do as a career, i have no clue what i want to do. I started working at the age of 16 until i was 28. even worked two jobs at one time. i worked in hospitals and a photolab. loved my photolab job but don't know if i could take pics for life. i love my family and i'll see them soon. i'll be in miami on sunday for about 9 days. i cant wait to hug and kiss my nephew. i will miss my boyfriend a ton. soon my nephew will be 3 and he'll be able to stay with me up here overnight. i can't wait. i love him so much!! while in miami i have to go to my endocrinologist, psychiatrist, and pulmonologist. it'll be a busy week. Oh, i went to a doggie beach here in bradenton and it was such a blast!!! here are the pics!!

just saying some stuff.

omg, i hate this new blogger stuff. anywho i've decided i want to do photograpy for a living. i want to get into a school and see how i do. i think there was a reason why my first job was at a photo lab and why my family makes fun of me for uploading pics by the time they check their emails. lol.

something a cfer wrote on her blog really got me mad. some of these young cfers don't know what we older cfers went through and think it's so easy now to deal with cf. GRRR!!!
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the picture i put of cfers breathing through a straw is real, a real cfer would understand what it means and not tell people in a blog that it's not a true picture of cf. Just because you're health is amazing now doesn't mean cf won't bite you in the ass someday. this is what i wanted to put in this person's blog, but didnt:
oh my dear, you are a young cfer ready to take on the world. lol. i used to be like that too. i would think, why do people say cf sucks, i work, go to school, and party all the time. Reality does set in after a while. I must admit i did party a lot and maybe that's why at almost 35 i have an fev1 of 30%. When i was growing up it was live like you're dying. no one told us about going to college it was all about trying to make it to high school or maybe it's the way my parents raised me to think. sometimes i do wish they would have pushed me but that's another story. I guess the docs put the fear of cf in us but i'm glad. I have enjoyed life to the fullest, i have done tons of stuff i wish maybe i would have passed on but it's all about life lessons. sometimes the only way to make people listen is to tell them the worst scenario. some people with cancer don't need chemo or radition and are great but some need surgery, chemo, radition and much more. do you think cancer awareness is too much? NOPE!! It makes me mad that younger cfers don't see how crappy it was before all these great meds and research. IT WAS TOUGH!! Don't take the struggle that we are going through and have been through and have lost so many friends to just because you think people will take pitty on cfers. fuck the pitty, it all about the awareness!!