Christmas!!

well my christmas was ok. no biggie. the one thing that's amazing is that my parents are willing to buy me a portable oxygen concentrator that only weighs 4.4lbs. the one i have now weighs 15 is and too heavy for me to carry long distances. for my xmas present they will buy me the machine out of pocket since insurance wont cover it. let me tell you it's expensive. i cant believe they are doing this for me. we arent rich by any means but they are willing to do whatever it takes for my health. they also said that when i didnt need it any longer they would give it away to someone who needs it. my parents are saints! my ex texted me for xmas i texted back with just ditto. i'm really going to hate watching everyone makeout at midnight on new years. i wish i could finally find someone. i know my health comes first but why cant i have both. one good thing i got tickets to the dolphins versus ravens playoff game! woohoo!!! i cant wait!

seven pounds

i just finished watching the movies seven pounds. i havent cried this much cause of a movie in a long time. there's a character that rosario dawson plays that reminded me so much of myself. whenever she was sick she loved to hear stories, she said she looked alot hotter before she got sick, she had a scar from her port, she was waiting for a transplant, and she just wanted to be loved. this movie made me think of my ex alot because he would always tell me stories when we were friends and i would be stuck in the hospital. we would spend hours on the phone. i would also always tell him about the times i was much healthier and would be able to run and just party all night long. this movie has made me realize to be a good person even when you think no one is watching. i really loved this movie. will smith played the role with such strength and heart. i dont know if anyone even reads my blogs, sometimes i feel silly writting stuff on this but one day i want to look back at these times in my life and remember them. the good stuff and the bad stuff. i go to the doctors on monday to see if i get my picc-line removed. i finished my antibiotics today and i hope to be able to do great on my pft's or at least get to baseline, which i was at before. it's pretty late now so i'm off to bed. please if you go to the movies check this one out. it will change you. wendy v.

Never Looking Back.....

last night me and the ex had a huge fight. we didnt talk it was all through texting. i dont want to re live what occured but alot of mean things were written back and forth. it was the last time i'll ever hear from him as long as i live. i know it sounds dramatic but it's true. if i ever get a text from him i'll delete without even reading it, if i get an email from him i'll delete it without ever opening it. the thing is i know he'll never contact me again, i know it's over for sure. he said he never really loved me, he just cared for me as a friend. i feel like he took pitty on me and pretended to want to be with me. i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone who doesnt love me the way i love them. in my 31 yrs of life i've been mostly single. when i was 19 i dated someone for 2 yrs. that was a violent relationship. one with verbal and some physical abuse. then the next one was when i was 25 and that only lasted 6 months. i just didnt feel it with him. the last one was this only 4 mths. what made this was special was that he treated me so nice and he took really good care of me when it came to my cf. even though i've only had those serious relationships i had my share of fun times. lol. i wouldnt change it for the world. i've learned much from those times. it funny how when i used to work every monday everyone would want to hear my crazy fun stories from the weekend. infact one friend wanted to have my journals and make a book out of it. even though i did go out to the clubs alot and i got drunk and did other stuff i'll never regret it. in this chapter in my life it's all about my health and being healthy, spending time with my family, and doing some traveling when i feel great. forget the men part, if it happens, it happens. i must love myself first before i can love someone else. i must learn to love myself with my oxygen, with me coughing, and being able to be comfortable with someone and not hide my cf, to be proud that i'm still living after 31 yrs. there are so many friends from my past that had cf that are now gone. i still remember all of them and i live everyday knowing how lucky i am to still be here.

Feeling Blue.....

on nov.6 my heart was destroyed. since that night i have cried almost every night just to be able to fall asleep. it's not the person that i miss it the fact that i might be alone forever. i have such a hard time meeting people when i cant go to most places because of smoke. i refuse to meet someone at church because i'm not a church person. yes, i'm catholic but i dont believe in having to worship at a church. i believe prayer in your home is just fine as well. i hate knowing all these other cf women who are younger than me and married and some with kids. i still live at home and i just feel like my life is so un important. i know i should be proud and happy that i've fought so hard to still be alive while i've had so many friends who arent here right now. most of those people were my age. most of the ones i know now are a bit younger so maybe their care was different and they had newer meds. i just feel so alone, who's gonna love someone who cant take long walks on the beach and cant go biking or do fun activities without oxygen. when i go to a theme park now i need to rent one of those stupid electric carts. when i was with my ex he admitted to me his was a bit embarrassed to have me in one of those cause i can walk and it looks to people like i'm being a lazy bitch.

Also the freaking holidays are around the corner. oh how i hate this season. i always have, even as a kid i never got what i wanted or i would be stuck in a hospital. it never meant the same thing to me as to other people. now that i'm older and all of my cousins and my sister are in relationships they will be rubbing their presents from their loved ones in my face. then comes new years, another day of being lonely and having to watch everyone makeout at midnight while looking at me with these faces like i'm a stray puppy. the one and only thing i am looking forward to is going to the beach to watch the sunrise on new years day. it's a beautiful site here to see in miami beach. everyone takes blankets and drinks and watch the sun come up and applaud and cheer.

i think i need to see a therapist next time i go to the doctors. i just dont think this is normal to be so low. i feel like i should be over this breakup. i guess i feel like he was the last one and there's no one else who will want me as a burden. last night i had a horrible cough attack in the middle of the night. my mom came and got me water and rubbed my back. i heard my dad get up and shut the door to his room. my heart sank. i just felt so disapppointed in him. it felt like i was bothering him. he didnt even come to check on me. it hurt so bad. no wonder i have all these issues with men that i feel like i'll be a burden on them and they wont want to deal with me, i mean even my dad cant stand me having a cough attack at night. also i was on facebook and i'm now friends with someone from my past. back when i was in high school. this person owns a company and has traveled all over the world and just looks like they are having the best time ever. i wanted to write a message and just say hi but then i thought what would i say? hi, i still live at home, i cant work, and i'm on oxygen. how aer you? i just felt like wow, i'm a loser! people tell me no your not. you've come so far and you've fought so hard to be here. but that just seems like something that anyone would do. surviving is an instinct in everyone. that's all i've done. i feel like i should have been able to go and finish college, instead of working full-time at a dead end job. well it wasnt dead end it was in a hospital. i was a patient financial rep. at the outpatient physical therapy dept. i learned so much in the 8yrs there. i worked until i was about 27. yep that's my biggest accomplishment. big shit!! so on monday when i go to see my doctors i'm going to ask to be referred to a therapist or psychologist or something. i cant stand feeling blue anymore!!

Not the greatest idea

last night i was super bored so i decided to text the ex since we are now friends. he told me he was at a christmas party. something inside of my snapped. my mind started racing. thinking to myself, did he take a date, who was he with, was he getting drunk? so i texted him and asked him straight out if he had been talking or seeing anyone. he said not really, i texted back what exactly does that mean because i didnt want to start a friendship with him if i'm going to be bothering him while he's with someone. he texted me back i should get some sleep so i could get over whatever had come over me? WTF. i asked him if it was a chick he was talking to, he texted back, no a dude. in a weird way it sounded very sarcasstic to me. i dont think this friendship will work out. i feel like i'm picking fights to be angry at him so i wont be his friend. i dont know what's going on anymore. i'm just so sick of being sick and being alone. my doctor appt. is on monday t-2 days to go. i'm dreading those pft numbers.

Healing.....

So i decided to be friends with my ex. We are just emailing each other at this time. I know we will never get back together, which is fine because i wouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me. We just emaile each other about how were doing and what's going on in our lives at the moment. everything except if he's dating anyone or if i'm dating anyone. that subject is off the table! My mom has been sick for the past couple of weeks and now she gave me her cold a few days ago. it's turned into a sinus infection from hell! everything and anything you can imagine is just dripping from my nose. lol. my mom smokes and has smoked since she was 14yrs old. infact she revealed to me that she even smoked when she was pregnant with me. i cant believe i wasnt born sicker. When i get sick and dont feel better i panic and get really manic and my mind starts racing. it's the worst feeling in the world! that's one of the reasons i wrote the email to my ex to be friends again. he always knew how to calm me down. i hope to be able to get a good nights sleep tonight. i wish i could work like i did before. i worked and went to school. i wish my energy was up like that again. i know it's hard to follow what i'm writing cause my thoughts are all over the place and i just write about the first thing that pops into my head. i have a doctor appt. on monday which i'm dreading cause i know my pft's arent going to be better. since i have this sinus infection i'm not able to go anywhere cause i feel so horrible and i feel like my upper chest is super congested. hopefully i'll start to feel better soon. i finish my home iv's next week. have a great weekend everyone! xoxo.

One Month Ago Yesterday.

Yesterday was one month since my ex broke my heart. I still cry almost every night cause i miss him so much. I went out on thxsgiving eve and had a great time. In the morning i went on-line to check my email and i saw the ex had written me. I didnt know what to think, i was kind of excited and scared at the same time. when i opened it i got the surprise of my life. He had looked at my facebook as he was taking me off as a friend and he saw that i was friends with a guy i kind of dated. the thing is the guy lives all the way in D.C. it's not like me and the guy ever see each other. facebook has an application that you can do stuff to people and my friend had some chick that was obsessed with him so he ask me to get flirty with him. so i did. my ex wrote me in the email not to treat myself like a whore and that i could do so much better and just all this other stuff. i was so upset. i would never add my input on anything he's doing now cause we are broken up and i dont care. he wrote he hoped i would get over the pain and be his friend again one day. i just cant do that. i love him and he'll always have a part of my heart. i wrote him back that he didnt know the situation between me and my d.c. friend and i also put some things that were harsh. i havent heard his voice in a month and i think if i did i would just break down into tears. i wonder if he's moved on? i wonder if he's going out on the weekends and hooking up with girls and taking them back to the bed we used to share, or the couch we would snuggle on. they say time heals all wounds but i think this one will leave a huge scar that no matter how long it's been will always hurt.i've met some new girls which is great to have friends who support you but they are all in relationships. it pretty much sucks. i'm still on iv antibiotics and have been for almost a month. i only need one more week. my fev1 stayed the same from last time at 33% but i want to get it at 40% so i can get in a new research. so that's my update for now. hopefully next post will be better.

I look at all my cf friends that are married and so happy and i think why cant i find that? What's wrong with me? Is it because of where i live? It's hard when you have cf and feel like you dont have anything to offer anyone. Right now this is the most lowest point of my life. I have no job, I'm not listed for lungs but no well enough to enjoy things without oxygen, I'm lonely and I'm not in school and the doctor says it's best not to start cause i seem to get colds very easily when i'm around other students. I hope this is just a phase i'm going through and just a rough patch. I hope it passes quickly!!