Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Never Looking Back.....

last night me and the ex had a huge fight. we didnt talk it was all through texting. i dont want to re live what occured but alot of mean things were written back and forth. it was the last time i'll ever hear from him as long as i live. i know it sounds dramatic but it's true. if i ever get a text from him i'll delete without even reading it, if i get an email from him i'll delete it without ever opening it. the thing is i know he'll never contact me again, i know it's over for sure. he said he never really loved me, he just cared for me as a friend. i feel like he took pitty on me and pretended to want to be with me. i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with someone who doesnt love me the way i love them. in my 31 yrs of life i've been mostly single. when i was 19 i dated someone for 2 yrs. that was a violent relationship. one with verbal and some physical abuse. then the next one was when i was 25 and that only lasted 6 months. i just didnt feel it with him. the last one was this only 4 mths. what made this was special was that he treated me so nice and he took really good care of me when it came to my cf. even though i've only had those serious relationships i had my share of fun times. lol. i wouldnt change it for the world. i've learned much from those times. it funny how when i used to work every monday everyone would want to hear my crazy fun stories from the weekend. infact one friend wanted to have my journals and make a book out of it. even though i did go out to the clubs alot and i got drunk and did other stuff i'll never regret it. in this chapter in my life it's all about my health and being healthy, spending time with my family, and doing some traveling when i feel great. forget the men part, if it happens, it happens. i must love myself first before i can love someone else. i must learn to love myself with my oxygen, with me coughing, and being able to be comfortable with someone and not hide my cf, to be proud that i'm still living after 31 yrs. there are so many friends from my past that had cf that are now gone. i still remember all of them and i live everyday knowing how lucky i am to still be here.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

ROCK ON! Now you're talkin'! You are amazing and have so much depth and heart to offer. I'm so glad to hear you're beginning to embrace you...with or without a man, you rock.
yay for you!!!!!!!
much love!