Monday, December 15, 2008

Feeling Blue.....

on nov.6 my heart was destroyed. since that night i have cried almost every night just to be able to fall asleep. it's not the person that i miss it the fact that i might be alone forever. i have such a hard time meeting people when i cant go to most places because of smoke. i refuse to meet someone at church because i'm not a church person. yes, i'm catholic but i dont believe in having to worship at a church. i believe prayer in your home is just fine as well. i hate knowing all these other cf women who are younger than me and married and some with kids. i still live at home and i just feel like my life is so un important. i know i should be proud and happy that i've fought so hard to still be alive while i've had so many friends who arent here right now. most of those people were my age. most of the ones i know now are a bit younger so maybe their care was different and they had newer meds. i just feel so alone, who's gonna love someone who cant take long walks on the beach and cant go biking or do fun activities without oxygen. when i go to a theme park now i need to rent one of those stupid electric carts. when i was with my ex he admitted to me his was a bit embarrassed to have me in one of those cause i can walk and it looks to people like i'm being a lazy bitch.

Also the freaking holidays are around the corner. oh how i hate this season. i always have, even as a kid i never got what i wanted or i would be stuck in a hospital. it never meant the same thing to me as to other people. now that i'm older and all of my cousins and my sister are in relationships they will be rubbing their presents from their loved ones in my face. then comes new years, another day of being lonely and having to watch everyone makeout at midnight while looking at me with these faces like i'm a stray puppy. the one and only thing i am looking forward to is going to the beach to watch the sunrise on new years day. it's a beautiful site here to see in miami beach. everyone takes blankets and drinks and watch the sun come up and applaud and cheer.

i think i need to see a therapist next time i go to the doctors. i just dont think this is normal to be so low. i feel like i should be over this breakup. i guess i feel like he was the last one and there's no one else who will want me as a burden. last night i had a horrible cough attack in the middle of the night. my mom came and got me water and rubbed my back. i heard my dad get up and shut the door to his room. my heart sank. i just felt so disapppointed in him. it felt like i was bothering him. he didnt even come to check on me. it hurt so bad. no wonder i have all these issues with men that i feel like i'll be a burden on them and they wont want to deal with me, i mean even my dad cant stand me having a cough attack at night. also i was on facebook and i'm now friends with someone from my past. back when i was in high school. this person owns a company and has traveled all over the world and just looks like they are having the best time ever. i wanted to write a message and just say hi but then i thought what would i say? hi, i still live at home, i cant work, and i'm on oxygen. how aer you? i just felt like wow, i'm a loser! people tell me no your not. you've come so far and you've fought so hard to be here. but that just seems like something that anyone would do. surviving is an instinct in everyone. that's all i've done. i feel like i should have been able to go and finish college, instead of working full-time at a dead end job. well it wasnt dead end it was in a hospital. i was a patient financial rep. at the outpatient physical therapy dept. i learned so much in the 8yrs there. i worked until i was about 27. yep that's my biggest accomplishment. big shit!! so on monday when i go to see my doctors i'm going to ask to be referred to a therapist or psychologist or something. i cant stand feeling blue anymore!!

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