Spiriva

i read my blog from 2009 and saw that i was doing the spiriva study and my fev1 went from 30 to 34. well i called my nurse and i'm back on it!! hopefully it'll make a difference, especially that now i'm working out like crazy and doing cpt and vest everyday, thanks to my amazing boyfriend! About my last post, maybe i'm jealous of those with transplants that get to do what they want. i mean honestly i've done everything i've wanted, i know there's more but i know my limits. I went to hawaii, i've gone snowboarding, i've gone on many cruises, i've been to the top of a volcano, walked through a lava cave, been in a rain forrest, snorkeled in hawaii, the keys, bahamas, cancun. i've been to many different states and countries like Cancun, Cozumel, Bahamas, Bimini, Five different islands in Hawaii, etc. I've done a lot in my 34yrs. I'm just speaking my mind and i'm just saying. :)

Invincible

Well to start off i want to say that this is in my opinion. I always start off the same way. lol. So many of my CF friends have gotten transplants, which is amazing. What i don't understand is that i feel like many of them don't know their limits. They don't wear masks, they go to very populated areas, and i just feel like they play with fire. Maybe it's cause i've lived my crazy, wild days and i'm more cautious of things. Most of the people who get the transplants are in their twenties so i understand why they want to live their lives and have fun. I guess i just wouldn't risk my new organs so quickly. Also maybe if i did get a transplant and still lived in a bubble i'd get rejection. I don't know it's just confusing sometimes how different transplant centers have different rules. some say be around kids, some don't. some say wear masks, some don't, some say travel, some don't, some say you can be in hospitals, some say stay away! I've gone through the transplant eval and have talked to the surgerons so i've asked them questions and they were very serious, they weren't all rainbows and butterflys when it came to transplant. I was able to stay stable and off the transplant list. I just hope my cfers who've gotten transplants don't play with fire too much. I remember a cfer who did a cross country trip a few months after transplant and afterwards got chronic rejection and isn't here. I guess i'd be more careful, if it seems like i'm being a debbie downer, it's ok cause i'm 34 and still here so i must be doing something right! ;)

where to start, ok this is gonna sound like i'm hating but that's not the truth at all. some couples get engaged and it's all good but some just go nuts about it. my sis is engaged and i swear it's all been between the family. she's never put pics on facebook or status. I guess i've never been the one to be all into weddings. i do believe in relationships but i'm not so sure about "soul mates". i mean i feel that my best friend is more my soul mate. lol. i've seen a lot of marriages fail after yrs of marriage and i've seen people stay together even when the other person in the relationship is cheating. do i want to get married? well, if it means that i lose all of my benefits than i guess no. i did tell my boyfriend i wanted to get engaged and maybe we can do a ceremony but no official stuff. "The ONE" that is such a burden to put on someone, why not this is who i'm sharing my life with. I mean "eternity", REALLY?? I love my boyfriend and i know that he'll do anything for me but would i put all that weight on his shoulder? Fuck no!! i know how to take care of myself and i don't need anyone to make me smile or be happy or any of that mushy crap. Will i be mad if my man can't come see me in the hosp or sleep there? Nope, i know people have lives, jobs, and bills and i know how the real world is. My parents are together, they were married then got divorced and then back together. They didn't remarry so they are legally divorced which is fine with them but sometimes they act like brother and sister and fight about the smallest things. i think that's what happens to all couples after a while. it just turns into someone who you become complacent with and just share the good times and bad. ok, that's all i've got to say about that. lol.

Adult situation, read at own risk.

Transvaginal Ultrasound before abortion bill: This is a bill being passed in virginia. I think this bill is just horrible. why? well i had one done many yrs ago when i was 19 and i had an unplanned pregnancy. I had the to make the horrible choice to terminate the pregnancy. I was dating someone with a drug problem and was abusive. I also have my CF which at the time my pfts were up in the 90's which i dont think would have been a problem to carry the pregnancy. This procedure was the hardest thing i've ever gone through. First off, the doctor who did it didn't want to do it but because he knew about my cf condition and the insurance would cover it he went along with it. before the procedure he gave me a Transvaginal Ultrasound and this was my first time at a gyn and i didnt know what this thing was going to do. All of the sudden this thing is in my vagina and i look up on the screen to see this beautiful fetus i was going to destroy. Everyday of my life i think about what i did and how bad i feel now. I'm 34, single, no kids and just the thought that another woman would have to have this procedure done before they make their choice is unbelieveable. Also i had this procedure without any pain meds. The doctor only gave me motrin and i felt everything. i was totally awake and it was such a horrible experience. Please don't judge me because of this. I love kids but at this time of my life i felt like a kid myself. i was 19 and so confused about life and i wasn't ready, also i wasn't even taking care of my health. One day when i go up to heaven i hope to see he or she and be a mom and ask for forgiveness. I just wanted to say that people who have abortions aren't women who dont care, they do care and they are doing what they think is right. I dont regret what i did but i wish i didnt have to see that image on the ultrasound. it will haunt me forever.

update. :)

i know it's been forever, i've just been so busy. i feel like before i was just writing about the same thing. So i have a boyfriend. he's great and so sweet and understanding. he's 36 and has a doctorate in physical therapy. Unfortunately he's tried to pass his board exam like 3 times and no success. i feel so bad for him. he's tried study groups and studying alone, sometimes i would help him and he would do great but he just doesnt test well. Not to mention he has ADD/ADHD and has always had problems with his grades. i give him credit though cause he was able to finish grad school and get his doctorate. He cant get a job in his field unless he passes this exam and he feels bad getting a low paying job just til he can pass the exam. he feels like he's moving backwards. i tell him all the time how much he's accomplished and he should be proud but he's just so sad. My cf is stable. my last pft went from 27% to 30% in two months. i've been working out a lot and putting on weight. dont want to be this much weight. it's kinda hard to breathe and stick in my stomach. lol. i've also applied for a couple of part time jobs and per diem jobs so we'll see how that goes. hopefully i'll update sooner. :) here's a pic of me and my guy.

LOVE

lately i've been thinking about stuff and ever since i broke up with my ex (yes, i'm talking about my ex again) i havent had those butterflies about anyone. i mean i usually get butterflies when a cute guy comes in a room but nothing, i have no feelings. i've gone out on dates and i've done the internet thing and gone out with friends but i havent found anyone who's made me feel the least bit like the x. Could it be that i'm done? is that the love of my life? it sure feels like it, i feel no one will do the things he did. if you dont know just read my prior posts. lol. i saw his page on facebook. there's two of them one he has i guess for his family and one for his friends. i asked for a friend request which he hasnt replied to. Also he's back in tampa from a year of being in afghanistan. i'm going to be in tampa halloween weekend, i hope i dont run into him. that'll be pretty crazy since i'll be with a guy. the guy isnt anything but a good time and a good friend. i'll be a slutty schoolgirl for halloween. woohoo, that should be fun. ;)

Getting some mental therapy.

well i'm going to start seeing a psychologist. i so need one. i've been pretty blue lately and it's for no reason. well it might be due to the fact i dont have a guy and my family is asking me why not. also when i did this research thing for a psychologist at UM i almost started crying when she got to the emotional part. i know i've said this before but i feel like i have nothing to offer a man. i cant give him kids nor can i have a full-time job, i mean my health is my job. i love being able to do my vest if i need to in the middle of the day or a neb. i just love having all the time in the world to do and go wherever i want. But why cant i be like this when it comes to my dating life? also i hate when guys remember me for one thing, and it's not a good one. wtf is that all about? maybe i need to become a nun. geez i'm already 32 but in cf age it's more like 62. my friend told me he met this chick with a full-time job and getting her MBA and she was gorgeous and i was like how would i ever compete with that? oh, i can cough up more mucus than her??? i dont know how i'm better than anyone. i always feel like i have to accomadate to people and please them. pleasing them so they like me. why cant they please me? i'm so unbalanced when it comes to dating and relationships. i have no idea who's gonna want to put up with me. blah. i feel like relationshits is all i talk about. sorry everyone. i feel like the samantha in my group of friends. i always say i'm happy to be single but i long for someone. i hate dating.