I haven't been on here in forever. Well i'm still in spring hill, florida. I really want to move south. I miss my family and friends so much. I love always having to go somewhere or do something. my boyfriend is a loner and sometimes it's just too much for me. I wish he knew how to make friends. he had a ton of friends in college but everyone got married and moved on. plus he doesn't live in north Carolina anymore where his friends were. my fev1 was at 25%. I wanted to cry and I did. I don't get it. I work my ass off and still these lungs fail me. I'm not sick enough for a transplant and i'm praying this new med will come out in july and give me the strength I need to get better. I've been down as well. I have these muscle pains on my side and my neck. went and got an xray to make sure I was alright and it actually showed my xrays to be better than in feb. go figure. well that's where I stand right now. hopefully next time I write it will be about the new drug and how well i'm doing. god bless, wendy v.

I don't like attention

What does that mean? well i'm  not the type of cfer to go on tv and tell my life story. I'm not going to ask for help to get new equipment or meds. i'm not going to raise money, honestly i hate asking for it. Also my family doesnt really believe in giving money to these "foundations". they are old school people from cuba who have questions when it comes to giving money and not knowing exactly where it goes. I'm usually the one who's in the background fighting on the phone with people from the government which i feel like is the best way to go. I also love to look up on new research with anything having to do with transplants or transplant rejection advances. I love writing to these people and getting feedback even though most of the time they never write back i always think in the back of my  mind that they will remember me. This article i found on facebook really seems promising to me. if there was a way to lessen rejection in lungs and have them at least last ten yrs would be amazing. here is the link: http://www.newswise.com/articles/new-clues-found-to-preventing-lung-transplant-rejection#.Uw6BkAnwFlQ.facebook

I've been feeling much better. On Tuesday i went to my aunt's pool for a few hours and just chilled out with my thoughts and took in the sun. It was so amazing how i felt afterwards. i came home and did the tredmil. The next day i did the tredmil again and just chilled at home and ran some errands. Today i went with my nephew to the zoo on a field trip with his class. i swear i must have walked about 5 miles or more. My chest is pretty sore from breathing so hard but the workout was so worth it. Anthony and i got home and totally passed out for a couple of hrs. I love the little man so much, i hope to pick him up tomorrow from school. Today i was having a cough attack and he started giving me therapy on my chest to help me bring up the junk. i almost started crying cause i was so overwhelmed that a little 4yr old boy understood what was going on with me and he knew what he had to do. He also helps me with all my inhaled meds. It's just incredible how much he understands. I do wish sometimes i had the energy he does cause i don't want to let him down when he wants to play but i will spoil him in whatever other way he wants because he deserves it. I love my nephew to the moon and back!!! <3 p="">

No one believes me......

My parents house, the place i thought was my zen is totally ruined by two people. My mom invited this lady and her daughter to live at my parents house. The daughter is 3yrs old and is the most spoiled, unruly, little child i have ever met. i always thought boys were bad but i was so wrong. I was in the hosp for 9 days came home and got a head cold. I wonder from whom. My parents don't believe me when i tell them that kids transfer germs and even though they might not get sick another person can. it's like i'm talking to a fucking wall. when i left the hosp my pft's were at a shitty 29% and today 26%. how the fuck did it go down so quick. i have only two people to blame. i'm sorry but when you come from a 3rd world country you have germs that live on you that others don't have. i don't really care how evil i sound because it's my life and i'm the one who will pay with my life in the end. It looks like they are here to stay. I bought my mom a laptop for christmas and the lady that's staying here uses it more than my mom. it kills me when i see that because the only income i get is from ssi so it's not like i have all the money in the world. My parents have always been great to me. Except for their denile about my health. they say i'm perfectly fine. 26% fev1, that's great, look at how fucking great i look. i wish they would breathe for one day with my lungs and see how fucking great i feel. My parents have smoked since they were both 14 and still smoke even though i have cf. i just don't understand how they are so great to me in one way and just destroy me in another. I feel like i have no one who understands except my boyfriend jeff. A couple of weeks ago i was so depressed i thought i would have a breakdown. i went to the hosp for iv's and saw a psychiatrist and i'm feeling a little better except for the fact that i'm at my parents house. i'm leaving monday and it can't come soon enough. i know i shouldn't live in a bubble but being with a 3yr old who touches everything she sees is just insane. i want to keep these lungs as long as possible. when i go anywhere i always carry hand sanitizer, i just feel safer. why can't my mom and dad be more understanding.. my mom told me i have to carry lysol wipes everywhere in the  house. why don't they fucking wear them, they are the ones who are the guests. FUCK MY LIFE!!!!! I swear i was so much happier in the hosp. i spoke with all the nurses and therapist and docs. even the cafeteria people. i felt like they all understood me and that i needed to get better which i did while i was there. now here at my parents house i'm alone stuck in my room. when i leave my room i have to wear a mask and wipe everything down. I know it sounds like i'm crazy but when i got to my parents place from the hosp there was a bottle of tamiflu that the lady and little girl were taking cause they were sick with the flu. My mom was like that was two weeks ago. it's all gone. yeah, right. i got sick while on antibiotics and today i fucking blew a 26%. I have to stay here til monday but after that i'm not coming back to my parents house. i feel like they have chosen these guests over me. they don't care about my well being and i don't feel like i should be treated this way. i'm upset, i cry, i feel like i have no one on my side while i'm in my parents place. I swear that when i leave here and go back to spring hill and i have to come back for my doc appts. i will stay with my aunt or my sis. I don't care if it hurts my mom cause she does things daily to hurt me. with her smoking and her disreguard of my health. that is all. goodnite.

In the Hosp. (long update)

So i'm back in the hosp. i was just here in oct. i went to the clinic on monday and i had a total breakdown. I knew something was up last week. It started with my sats being really low. like the highest would be between 93-94 without o2. i was kinda homesick and i just felt really depressed and anxious. So i've been here since tues and my sats are still the same. I'm kinda nervous cause i'm feeling more pressure in my chest. unsure if it's from all the coughing and the vest. i'm honestly kinda scared. tomorrow i have to do a pft, lets see how that goes. my last one was 25%. i was reading old post where i was doing so much better. it makes me so sad cause i have no idea what i'm doing different. i really try so hard. i think it's the homesickness and depression that's hitting me hard. also i lost my bestfriend of over 20yrs. we had a huge fight and now she's moved on. i emailed her but she never emailed me back. now she's with her ex, ex, ex boyfriend with whom she's going to marry and she already bought a house (well he did) and they are moving in. Why is it that i feel that people's life always gets better without me? ugh. so do i need a transplant? i dunno. do i want one? sometimes. am i scared? fuck yeah. i feel like i'll be giving up and there are so many risks with transplants and lets just say my kidneys aren't doing all that great. well my zoloft was upped and so was my clonopin while at the hosp. ok, gotta go. later, wendy v.

I'm 36 and i have CFRD. I wish people understood that sometimes whatever you do, how much you take care of yourself, CF happens. When i was in my late teens and early 20's i worked, went to school and my lung function stayed great. Then my late 20's came and the body changes, your stamina might not be the same as before. is it cf or age?? who knows. I get mad when people think that cfers go into a downward spiral because they didn't take care of themselves. No, not true. CF i feel sometimes is a delayed disease. I'm not saying that everyone will get bad, i'm just saying that sometimes it hits you without you changing your routine in life. I didn't have the chance to take time to workout and do therapy all the time. why? well i had to work to get insurance, back then i couldn't stay on mommy's insurance, i had to get out there and work and i didn't qualify for SSI. I did my best and i'm proud of where i am. Do i regret going to clubs, crazy vacations, and just being wild with my friends? Hell No!! i lived life and i guess now i'm working hard just to stay living it. Yes, my pft's are in the high 20's but i do everything i can to keep them there or to get better. Once you get scarring in the lungs your lung function won't come back. Also i'm at a perfect weight for my height and that has helped me stay healthy but lung function wise it has stayed the same. i meant to put this on another blogger's site but it wouldn't go through.

grandma

Today was my grandma's wake/burial. I thought i knew how i was going to react but i totally fell apart. I looked at her in the casket and she looked nothing like herself. i've seen many dead bodies, young and old but never have i seen someone who didn't resemble themselves. i literally felt myself start to panic and i just thought how am i going to make it 4hrs here? my family and friends really helped me out. i still feel really anxious and just stressed out. i think to myself if i can't handle my grandma's funeral what if someone like my mom or dad pass away? they are my life, i'd be so lost. i want to feel normal which right now i don't. i'm not sleepy nor do i want to sleep. i'm scared of my dreams, i don't want to dream about my grandma. about how i saw her in that casket. i just don't want to break apart. i need to be strong.

Also my MRI came back normal. not sure if i updated everyone already. my mind is really scrambled.

Not about Me anymore

My grandma is in ICU. Her heart is weak from pneumonia and i'm unable to be with my family at the hosp. because as we all know cfers are super magnets for germs. It's ok cause i called my CF doc who works at the hosp my grandma's at and he's actually helping by telling one of his friend's who is in charge of the ICU to watch over her health. I'm happy to say that yesterday was very scary, she was intubated and her heart was very weak. She was only breathing at 20% Today she's breathing at 40%. I know she'll get through this. She's 76 and i know it will be difficult for her to come back but i feel like she still has some fight in her.

The lesion on my spleen has taken a back seat for now. I tried to read the picture CD they gave me but it made me more confused than anything. I usually would of ask the Tech if they saw anything but i was to scared. I also asked my doc if he had any results and he said by Monday. I told him i was so stressed out with everything going on and his response was "RELAX". easy for him to say. lol. I have this horrible thought that the reason i haven't been able to go back to spring hill where i live with my boyfriend is that there's a reason i have to be in miami. maybe it's cause there is something wrong with me. I know it's crazy to think like that but my brain works in a fucked up way. well that's it for now. I hope to have better news tomorrow or in a few days.

MRI today

Today was D-Day. I got the MRI done on my spleen. A procedure which was supposed to take 20 mins took an hour and a half. First the tech couldn't find a vein since i needed contrast with this MRI. it took 7 times to get it done. I'll take pics of all the black and blue bruises which hurt a ton. Also i had to hold my breath for a very lone time which was very difficult when you only have 27% total lung function. They gave me a picture CD so i can look at the MRI and my spleen. I'm not sure how to read it but my boyfriend and i will figure it out. I'm not looking at it without him. I haven't seen him in over a week since he's up in spring hill 5hrs away. I miss him so much. It's kind of weird how he tells me that he wants me home when he comes home from work cause it makes him feel so much better. it makes me happy but i've never had that kind of affect on someone so it's scary too. I don't want to let him down. Ok, i'll write back next week and we'll see how things go. Whatever happens, well honestly if it's bad news i'll try to handle it the best i can. i'm not going to lie it's going to be pretty upsetting. ugh. :/

A Lesion on my SPLEEN????

can't even fathom what this means? i try to tell myself it's nothing since the doc doesn't think it's anything but a lesion on my spleen? really?? wtf! i'm i going to die?? what if i do need surgery? i only have an fev1 of 29% at best. i can't be put under because i'll never come off the vent. i have an MRI with contrast on friday which will tell us more. i'm going back to spring hill on saturday but honestly i'm a fucking wreck! my mind doesn't stop racing and neither does my heart. what could it be? could this be the pain i've been telling everyone about and no one listened to? fuck, i hate thinking this shit. what the fuck did i do to deserve this crap. i want to go back to my boyfriend and just be fine. ok, if this is really something that i have to have surgery for i guess i'll have to be admitted and have it done. don't know how long i'd have to stay but i'd want to stay until i could cough again and be ok. fuck, this is the type of shit that when people go in for it turns out worse. god i pray that next week i'll be saying it was nothing but for now i'm scared as hell. :(

Following Dr's Orders

Lately i've read a ton of posts that read "i'm glad i didn't follow my doctor's orders" when it comes to pregnancy with cf. I'm so happy for the cfers who were able to carry the baby and have the baby, it's great. I was actually pregnant when i was 20yrs old. i told my doc and my family and they said it would be best to terminate it. Honestly i don't think i was ready for a baby. I didn't feel like it was a wrong choice, i think i wouldn't of been able to handle the child and myself. I really don't think i would be here if i would have gone through with it. I believe every woman has a right to do whatever she wants to her body. If men carried children i'm sure abortion offices would be in every corner just like starbucks. I mean men don't lie, right?? lol. That's why mostly love bill maher most of the time. Except when he talks about guantanamo bay but when he speaks about religion and the old crypt keepers that are running our government he is right on.

Also i want to tell people that cf is a progessive disease!!! believe what you may but if you don't think it will catch up to you, you are lying to yourself. I didn't believe it would ever catch up to me. Well by the age of 28 it did. was it my fault, partly yes and partly cf. i should have taken care of myself better. i should be done all my meds and therapy. It's kind of like those people who have cancer that don't even know it. It spreads everywhere and nothing will help. That's how fast cf can kill you as well. So many of my friends dont deserve the shit other cfers say. Like they should have done this or that, it just hurts like hell. They probably did more than you but cf is different with everyone. everyone has a different physiology and anatomy and cf. CF has over 2,000 mutations and it can be as mild as just having tummy aches to killing a child of 5yrs old. People need to have empathy for everyone and give support to everyone who has from high lung function to low lung function because we all need it.

Always Greener on the other side

Have you ever wanted someone else's life?? Ever seen pics of their perfect world where they are a lawyer and hubby is a doc? Seen pics of their beautiful vacations and how much fun they are having? Seen pics of her pregnant and still looking gorgeous? I know they say the grass always looks greener on the other side but what if it is??

I dislike living here in spring hill which is 5hrs away from miami. I've told my boyfriend this and he knows i want to be closer but he still has to finish his contract here. We have to stay for a year and a half more. I know i say i love being at home but when there's no one to be with it sucks. I'd love to be close to miami so i can hangout with my cousins and friends. They would be able to come over to my place and i can cook dinner for them. I must admit my boyfriend isn't the party type at all. he loves his home quiet and i respect that. I've been thinking what can i do to change things?? How can i get that perfect life?? honestly i feel like i've been dealt some pretty shitty cards in life. i've been through all the bad things someone has to go through to get a better card. the abusive boyfriend, the cheating boyfriend, the health issues, the family drama, being used by men, working full-time even though my health suffered, going to college (for a bit) even though my health got worse, and i still feel like i've done nothing and have nothing to show for it. ugh!! it's just one of those woe is me days. I know i have tons of great things, awesome parents, great few friends, great boyfriend, great sis and family but i guess maybe as humans we always want more. I know i can go back to school but i'm actually afraid of getting sick from the students always coming to class sick. i'm not even sure what i want to do. i dunno, right now i'm just sleep deprived and i have an antibiotic brain so i'm not very coherent. lol. gotta go take the doggie out to poop. ahhh, my life is wonderful. haha.

Doc appts.

well i've been dealing with some bad pft's. i don't know why i'm back in the high twenties. i'm usually in the low thirties. i think i might just be having a bump in the road. my weight is fine, my sats are fine, and i even went to seaworld and walked the whole park and didn't take a break. i have no clue why i do so bad on that test. i feel like my lungs freak out when they know i have to do the test. well i'm on a research study but not for new meds. just on tobi and cayston to see if that makes a difference in my lungs. this is a short post. will update soon. my next doc appt is in april.

my sis's wedding, doc update, ect.

My sis got married on feb. 9. i was the maid of honor and i was so stressed out. i did a lot for that wedding and spent a ton of money. well i'm negative in the bank now. lol. My boyfriend wasn't in the greatest of moods because the day before he had worked and then drove all the way to miami. He was beyond exhausted. also he gets anxiety attacks and also there's something else that he doesn't like about parties so i'll just leave it at that. He got mad at me cause i caught the bouquet. i did it to be with my cousins and just everyone, i didn't do it to be mean. he took it the wrong way and i guess now that we talked about it, he sees my side and i see his. so the reception wasn't really that great for me. i also sucked at the maid of honor speech. the best man had his written on his i-phone. ugh, so bogus. lol.

So my sis got married on saturday and monday i had a doc appt. i got 30% on my pft's which were a little down but it's around my baseline. i had a new doc see me and OMG, he was so weird. i swear it was like he was on speed. He was all over the place, he said oh, i see you're sick and i told him no, i'm just tired. then he told me about my vitamin levels and he was like you vitamin A is low and then he's like no it's your vitamin D. Then he put me on levaquin for 3 weeks!! i was so mad, i never take antibiotics for more than 2 weeks. Whatever, so then i left and my Normal doc calls me and says "why didn't you tell me you were sick" i told him i wasn't sick that i told the other doc i was stressed out and tied. The he tells me to come in the next day for another pft test. which i was already stressed out about the antibiotics and the new doc. Which btw, other cfers had told me this new doc was horrendous and also one of my friends had passed away while in the hospital under his care. I'm not saying that it's the docs fault but i do feel like you should listen to your patient when they are telling you they don't feel bad and it was just a bad day for pfts. Don't give them antibiotics when they don't need it so then you're resistant to every drug. UGH!! so the next day i went and did more pft's and they were the same. The doc says that if i'm not better we will need to talk about long-term iv's and i was so mad, i could freaking  see smoke coming out of my nose!! My doc has never been like this, i feel like he's letting this new doc run things. Some docs have protocols which i can't stand because every patient is different and shouldn't be a number on a paper. This new doc seems like one of those.  I have to go back on monday for more pfts and also i'm doing a research, not on new meds just on tobi and cayston instead of colistin and cayston. I've been working out like crazy and i pray my pft's will be a couple of points higher. I just get so nervous when i do pft's and i've tried everything to relax. yoga, breathing techniques, meds. nothing works. I don't believe in long-term iv's. i feel like that will kill my spirit and just make me more depressed. i feel like once you get resistant to everything you have to get on the tx list and that's the docs hidden agenda.

Otherwise, i'm back in spring hill and loving it. i love the quietness and the calm. I've actually started to love this place. still boring but i don't mind. miami is full of traffic and drama. So today is thursday and i have to go to miami on sunday for my appt on monday. another full day. so i hope and pray everything works out so i can come back on tues or wed the latest! here are some pics from the wedding!! :)

future

i've been feeling perfect since my last little home sick breakdown last week. everything has been great. my boyfriend got me a beautiful watch for christmas and i love it. just have to put this out, i have a huge pet peeve when it comes to texting. i hate texting someone and never getting an answer back, how rude can you be!! So it's been an awful season for cfers. so many of us are in the hospital and super sick. makes me wonder if it's going to happen to me and if it does will my family and boyfriend would be able to handle it. i don't think about myself just about others. it's so scary to think about. i really don't get how some people who come so close to death just get back up and go do the same thing that got them there. like i've said before some people think they are bulletproof and i just want to shake the hell outta them. ugh another random thought i know i need to go back to school but i really dont care much for it. i hate getting sick from other people like i used to back when i went to college. but if i have to i will. i wanna go skiing next year hopefully my lungs will be able to handle the vermont mountains. i love snowboarding! i've only done it once and i got pretty banged up but it was so worth it. i didn't do that bad either, it was my first time in snow and i really held my ground except when it came to trying to stop. i almost ran over some kids. ok, well that's all. until the next one.

HOME SICK, PANIC ATTACKS, Feeling So Confused!

well last night i had a huge panic attack. the only thing that kept me sane was my boyfriend. he held my hand the whole night. i feel bad saying this but i'm home sick. i haven't been in miami in over a month and i guess i miss my family. i don't know why this panic attack has come back. a few weeks ago i had a breakdown. i didn't see my family on thanksgiving and sometimes my boyfriend just wants to chill at home on the weekends cause he works so hard, which is fine but i get such bad cabin fever. ugh, i just want this feeling of anxiety to go the fuck away!! i want to feel normal again. i had my period last week so that why i thought i was feeling low but it just doesnt go away. i mean i'm happier now than last week but this panic attack that i had last night killed me. On another subject i really get jealous that cf males can use ivf and have kids. no risk on their health cause the woman carries the baby. i wish us cf females could have an easier time finding surrogates and also paying those huge bills. i know some insurance companies pay for ivf so they are lucky, i just wish the males with cf would remember the females who can't have kids. sometimes i feel like they gloat or whatever. sorry i'm doing this while i'm under anxiety. God, i pray this is just a little bump in the road. Also all the news on facebook as gotten me really sad with so many cfers dying or sick in the hospital. i think i just need a break from everything. maybe going back home for a little bit will be good but i don't want to leave my boyfriend. i feel so torn apart. :/ i hope my psychiatrist calls me back about my meds. maybe i need an updose. *ugh*

To do a Tune-up or not to Tune-up??

well it's been over 16 months since i've had my last hospitalization. Last time i went in it was because i coughed up blood and i had a small spot on my lung that looked like early pneumonia. So now i'm asking myself if i should go in. I feel ok, i mean my pft's havent really moved and i really don't know if IV's would change that. Also sometimes tune-up's make you worse for some reason. Then there's the hospital. There are two different ones here in miami that my doc can put me in. One i love and the other one i hate. The reason i hate this one certain hospital is because i was there for 4 days and left in tears and was transferred to the one i love (thx god). This hospital that i hate had me in tears because, well first off None of the staff knew what CF was. Second the med sch. was so outta hand, they gave me my meds at all the wrong times and they didn't know what most of them were even for. Third the therapist didn't know how to give cpt, i was enraged. Fourth, i needed 3 IV's while i was there which was only 4 days. Fifth, i asked for a heating pad for my back which was killing me from all the coughing and they gave me some 1950's machine that had tubes connected to a heating pad that leaked water all the time. I swear they were trying to kill me!! Last and not least The NURSING STAFF was HORRIBLE, they were so incompetent i just couldn't believe they were RN's. One nurse came in and then the aid came in as well and i was telling them about the old heating pad and then they started talking creole, right in front of me and my  mom. I guess they didnt think i had ever had a job because one thing about working in a hospital is that HIPPA says you can't speak another language infront of the patient because the patient will think you are talking about them. So when this happened to me i was livid to hear them talking in my room in front of my mom and i in another language. I told them please speak in english in my room and the nurse said, We aren't talking about you, i said that's not the point. Then the nurse manager came in and i told her how horrible the nursing staff was. Then patient relations got into it and they opened a case about how i was treated, i never found out what happened but i hope some changes were made. i hear they staff is better now and that the hosp has even opened a pulmonary rehab clinic but just thinking about having to go in that hospital brings me to tears. I'll see what the doc says and hopefully if i do go in i'll go in the hospital i love, where everyone knows my name and knows what cf is. Also if my pft's are up i'm not going in at all. so we'll see what happens. ugh, what to do.

Just some Ramblings......

I was never the girl who was part of a group. I always wanted to be though. I tried so hard back in middle school and high school but was always pushed to the side. Sometimes i still fell that way. I have amazing friends in miami but now that i live up here in spring hill i've been trying to connect with people around here but i feel like i'm getting the cold shoulder. In these times of social networking people become close to the point that they say they love each other and i respect that but is it true? I've never been a girly girl, i hate the phone and i hate talking online through webcam. Maybe i don't put myself out enough? but i do and maybe i come off too strong? ehhh, whatever wondering about this kind of stuff can make a person go crazy. Also i feel like people talk behind your back and you get outstead by everyone. If i have an opinion that's different from everyone i feel like it's a bad thing to tell. I miss my miami friends more than ever. I guess hispanic people do talk shit about their friends but it's like roasting them, it's all in fun. Others take it so seriously. Thank god my bestfriend will be up here tomorrow. we are going to do some fun things like waterpark and busch gardens. yay!! Also i don't love pink nor hearts or other girly things. i'm not super excited when i see rainbows or a hello kitty purse. I'm just an individual. It's kinda hard to read things and believe them. especially when i work my butt off at something and don't get the same results and when i question it, it gets a negative reaction. i'm sorry but somethings sound like B.S. Whatever i think i might have to clean house real soon cause i'm not liking certain things. ok, back to my loner ways, which i rock at and i love!! :)

Working Out and Neck Pain!!

i've been working out a lot lately. last sunday i did my home pft machine thingy to see how i was doing. at first the numbers were not so great but then i did it one more time and i got 1.01 fev1!! i know this is just a little machine and who knows how accurate it is but i was so happy. so this week i've been doing my workouts and i think since i'm going to get my period soon i've had a lot more to cough up. well my neck is killing me from so much stress from coughing. earlier in the week it was my chest but now it moved to my neck. it hurts so much to cough or just move my head around. today i did another pft and the highest i got was a .94, i wasn't too happy but it was better than i thought it would be. this weekend we were supposed to go kayaking but it's going to rain the whole weekend. so i should rest today but i want to workout. not sure what to do since it's almost 3:30 and i've been in bed all day. lol. i feel like a lush. ok, so i'm gonna get my self outta bed and go out. :) laters, wendy v.

Family.....

Well what can i say, it's been a rough week and it's only tuesday. I'm my sister's maid of honor but since i live 5hrs away from her and my family i feel like i've been left out. I call my sis and she never tells me if i need to do something. Yesterday i get an email from my cousin who is hosting the bachelorette cruise we are going on. I was super upset she invited like 5 of her friends. I really can't stand them. I've tried to get along with them but they are so shallow and plastic. They are true mean girls!! I'm gonna feel so outta place, i mean they wear makeup and heels to go to the pool. All with fake boobs and fake personalities. They look at me like, Oh it's the sick sister. I'm dreading this cruise. Then i starting thinking about my family and how they see my CF. Actually that's the problem, They Don't!! It's sad to say i have a huge family and they have never once walked with me at a cf event or helped me raise money. I feel alone sometimes, my family doesn't understand. My sister feels like i got all the attention from my mom cause of my CF and even says i try to get attention by "acting sick". I'll admit, i can feel fine one day and crappy the next. My sis doesnt like me, i know it. We have totally different friends and see the world differently. I wish my sister would call me and ask me how i'm feeling, or if i need anything. When she comes to see me in the hospital (which is rarely) she needs to bring people so she doesnt get bored. I wish she was closer to me but she says she feels left out by the close relationship me and my mom have. My sister has friends that she knows i can't stand. The friends that only have "expensive" taste. Why does she dislike me so much? I sometimes wish i didn't have cf and we'd probably get along better. My mom gets sad because of this often. I do as well. i've tried to let my sister into my world but she doesn't have any feelings towards it. I have so many cousins and aunts and uncles and now that i live away from them it's like i don't even exist. I had such a hard time falling asleep last night. My boyfriend didnt make it any better, this weekend on saturday i coughed and he told me i had an ear piercing cough, i'm still fucking mad about it. REALLY?? My cough is ear piercing!!! Fuck Everyone!! I didn't tell him how much it bothered me but i will tonight when he gets home. that's all for now, wendy v.

Bullys!!

I feel so bad for those kids who kill themselves over bullys. I was made fun of  a lot when i was in school, i got my pills taken away from me in front of everyone in the school cafeteria and called a drug user, i was called a nerd in front of my math class, i could go on and on. All of this not cause i was gay but because i had Cystic Fibrosis. Of course, no one knew i had CF in school because it wasn't any of their business. I think the internet and social networks have a lot to do with these kids getting so depressed and harming themselves. I don't understand why bullying is so prevelent now a days. I know back when i was growing up people who were gay didn't "show" it as much as now. They kept it secret until they were adults. I don't think kids who are gay should try and not be so in your face about it. I don't mean to be mean but kids will make fun of you. Stick up for yourself, try going to a self defense class and those bullys will respect you and go away. whenever you are different people will always comment and you must have tough skin. That's how i got my tough skin, i don't let people run over me cause i'm short or cause i look young or cause of my CF. People sometimes stare if i cough and i just don't care. i used to care a lot before but i hang out with friends who know about my CF and will stand up for me as well. Sometimes people need to be slapped across the face for being so stupid. If i have to wear my O2, i wear it. i have no time to think about what other people think, if they keep looking i will tell them. if they got time to stare, i got time to share my story with them. ok, can you tell it's my time of month. lol. that is all. :)