New number.....

I changed my cell# yesterday. I felt like i had to if i wanted to forget the past and start out new. I now feel free from my phone and i dont check it anymore to see if the ex texts me. it's very freeing. i'm happier now and i dont think about him as much. well it's superbowl weekend! i'm going to go watch it with friends at a resturant/bar thing. i hope it's good. i'm still working out everyday and now i'm taking my huge 90lb bulldog for walks around the block. it's fun to be with a partner and not alone. lol. lets see what else is going on..........nope, nothing pops up. my lower back still bothers but i feel it's getting a bit better. i cant stop working out. i feel things loosening up so much now and it's so much easier to bring it up! it gets addicting. also i'm helping my mom around the house alot more. YAY for me!!

Start of Another week.

During the weekend on friday i went to the pre-race dinner. it was fun to see other cf's there. On sunday was race day. I got there earlier than 4:30am to start setting up. I helped with the cups and filling them half way with gatorade. The runners started at 6am. It was an awesome experience to see them all. They were so thankful for the gatorade. I'm definitely doing it next year. I actually am going to start traning next year to do the half marathon which is 13 miles. i have very poor pft's so i'm going to wear my portable oxygen while i run. i hope to make it.

I did something stupid and checked out my ex's myspace page. of course he has it private but he hadnt changed his heading since we were going out. Today i check it and he changed it and for some reason i just got so sad and started crying. I feel like maybe he has moved on and is seeing other people. I fucking hate that i'm sick and i cant party with my friends like i want to. I fucking wish i could go out like i used to before. I fucking hate CF so much. Most people get to live their lives with no cares in the world. God i'm just so sick of being alone. So now i'm wondering to myself what the fuck does that heading mean? Why do i even fucking care? Last week a family friend of mine found out her boyfriend of 7yrs was cheating on her. Of course i reached out to her and i've been chatting with her online. It's sad when she told me her close friends arent even calling her cause they've gone on his side. She said she told her mom i was the only one who asked how she was doing. I cant imagine the pain she's going through right now. I know it seems like i'm being petty because me and my ex only went out for 4 months but i really thought we were going to make it longer. i was so happy in love, i had never had that kind of love before where someone loves you even though your sick and coughing up a lung infront of the other person, he would put my oxygen on my face, he listened to all my fears and wiped my tears away. it was just so perfect. why did it get taken away? i'm not a person who prays alot but lately i pray every night to god to help me stop loving him and for me to move on with my life and not think about him every single day. At the pre race dinner they presented a slide show and the song in the background was stand by me. that was our song. we both love that song. i almost started crying in front of everyone. he was my best friend for a year before we started going out so i would talk to him everyday. i miss that so much but i cant do it anymore. at first he wanted to keep talking but i didnt. then i wanted to talk and he said it would be too hard. It doesnt matter what goals i set for myself or if i make plans to do something on the weekend or take a trip anywhere he's always in the back of my mind. it's making my life a living hell!!!

Volunteering at the ING race this weekend!!

well yesterday was the pre-dinner event for the runners and volunteer for the ING race. Our racers will be running for the cystic fibrosis foundation. I will be passing out waters in our tent, i have to be there at 4:30 in the am. i have no idea how i'm going to do that. lol. The dinner was very informative. A few doctors and nurses spoke about how great running and excerising is for cf patients. It made me get up this morning and work out on the tredmil for a bit. usually i take a break on the weekends.

Also i got great news from my docs. They called me to be in a research study for inhaled cipro. i hope i get the real drug!! I heard they make your pft's way higher! omg, i would so love that!! i'm getting paid for it but i dont care at all about the money. i hope this year will bring in new research and better health for me and others with cf.

History was made today!!

Today barack obama became president. I hope he makes a difference in america. I hope he makes a change and he raises the tax prices on cigarettes. i'm sure we would definately cut our defecit (sp) by a ton of money. Also it made me proud to find out that a cuban designed the dress the first lady michell obama wore today. it wasnt my favorite but i heard from friends of mine that work in fashion that it was a great choice for her skin color and her body style. Other than that today i was able to work out a bit more even though my back is still hurting. i'm doing many stretches and then i walked on the tredmil and did some time on the eliptical machine. then i felt inspired and helped did some housework for my mom. I want to go to DC in feb. my sis and her boyfriend will be there and it would be great that she'll be there cause she could do my therapy. my sis just wrote me an email. she told me not to go on the trip cause she thinks i get everything and she gets nothing. i'm so mad right now. i didnt want to be born with cf and i didnt want all the attention on me. i cant take it anymore. i cant believe my own sister would treat me like this.

This Weekend.....

This weekend friday started out with major back pain. I wasnt able to workout at all. My lower back is still killing me! I feel like a take a step forward and two steps back. I was doing so much working out and everything was great and then my lower back gets messed up. I know exactly how i did it too, I thought i was 12 again and started doing cartwheels all over the living room. What was i thinking!!! Friday night i just stayed home cause it was cold and there was really nothing going on. Then saturday was my mom's bday!! we celebrated by going to my aunt's house and having a lundin (meal inbetween lunch and dinner). At night time we went to the movies and watched My Bloody Valentine in 3d! it was so chessy and gorey. It was great, the two main guy actors were HOT and in 3d even better!! So then sunday i just went to my sister and her boyfriend's place and watched the football games and ate bbq. I've been trying that online dating stuff. I havent been interested in anyone yet. Hmmm lets see....Oh in good news i havent texted or emailed my ex!! YAY for me!! It's been hard but i'm trying!!

Men in Miami Suck!!

well today i was home trying to recover from the workout from hell yesterday. i totally messed up my lower back and my legs are sooo sore! i got a text from this guy i've know for about 6yrs. we have always hooked up when we dont have anyone else. we are each others backup plan. the last time i hooked up with him was in early dec. and we've kept in touch since then. i found out last week that he has a girlfriend. it really surprised me cause that means he was seeing me while he was dating her. today he kept texting me trying to make me see him. i told him no a thousand times and that he should just be happy about being with his girl. he said that i was better and it just got very explict. i was so fed up with his texting i called him and the first thing i said was WTF do you want!! he said he wanted to see me and flirt with me. i swear he made me feel like such a whore. is that all i was worth to him. i really thought that we were friends more than anything. he always asks me my doctor appts. he's seen me in my worst and what i liked most about him is that he's always attracted to me no matter how i'm looking. i told him he should be happy he's with someone and to leave me alone to find someone too. did he think that just because i had cf i was desperate enough to have sex with anyone. what a dick!! i feel sorry for his girlfriend for beliving in him. i cant believe my horrible luck with men. i swear i'm really not a slut, i would never hookup with someone in a relationship. this guy is so gross to me now, i will never touch him again!!!

BRAND NEW DAY!!

Last night when i went to bed i prayed. i really never pray. i feel like if i pray and things go wrong i'll get mad at god. yesterday i just felt so lost and i felt so sad that i didnt do as well as i wanted to in my pft's so i just prayed to god to help me and to not let me quit. i woke up today with such a great energy. i worked out i danced i sang i jumped like a kid. i dont have weights so i took out the gallon of water in my fridge and did weights with it. then returned some calls and did other stuff. i went online and found out some dude i was hooking up with after my ex, he was the rebound, got a girlfriend. i was happy about that too cause i dont have to worry about him either!! woohoo. i feel free.

i do have a problem. even though i'm doing great i do feel like a failure in one aspect. i never finished college. i was able to go in my twenties. i was in great health but i needed to work full time to get insurance. my mom's job wouldnt cover me. i traded in school for work. now it's weird telling people i have no education but i have my life. they dont understand it. they think oh this girl is so lazy she lives with her parents has no bills, etc. which is so false i pay my car, my credit cards, my phone, my gas, my extra stuff lol. i guess i could do online classes but i need money and i'm tired of asking my parents. i did apply at my old job working in a per-diem aspect. hopefully they'll call me soon.

Dr. Appt.

Today i went to see my pulmonologist. I really thought my pft's were going to me sooo much better. I have been working out so much and i've been so good about staying away from large crowds or people with colds. I feel like all i do is take care of my health. My pft's were actually two points lower. I couldnt believe it. I had a total breakdown. I started crying these huge tears and i was telling them how sad i had been feeling first that my pft's werent better then of course came the ex. I told them i didnt think i was handling it very well cause i was 31 and i had so many cf friends that have passed away and i was scared maybe my ex was the last one. the doctors were so sweet telling me everything was going to be ok and that he wasnt going to be the last. I have never felt like this before. i bet he doesnt even think twice about breaking my heart. the worst thing that the ex texted me. he actually remembered i had a doctors appt. he texted me and of course like an idiot i texted back and he responded. i asked him if i didnt have cf if he would still keep in contact with me. he said yes but he wouldnt ask me about dr. appts. he would just check in from time to time. i really dont know if i should cut the cord and tell him not to text me again. it just hurts so much to just get a text from him. i have a few great friends alot of them online with cf. they all give me such great advice. i've just never been hurt like this before.
tomorrow i'm going to buy some weights to add weight lifting into my work outs. i'm going to the keys this weekend with my family. i cant wait to sit on the dock and just look out into the ocean and cast that line out and do some fishing. i swear i could sit on the dock forever and stare at the ocean. At night in the keys the stars light up the sky so brightly. it really takes your breath away. i can already feel myself there. i hope by being there it will clear my mind and my stress can be decreased a bit. *sighs*

Experiment

i know this is going to sound weird but i went on a free online dating site to see if i was honest about who i was if anyone would be interested. i put that i lived at home and that i had cystic fibrosis. i didnt put anything about being terminal, or on oxygen just that i had cf. no biggie. i put the profile for a few days. I got back ZERO replys. lol. it doesnt even bother me at all. it's kind of funny to me that those two words can scare people off.

this weekend was my godson's 3rd bday. he had the party at a park and it was a great time. i played in the jungle gym and was able to keep up with the kids with no oxygen. well once again i got lonely and texted the ex on friday and got no answer. i texted him the next day just trying to see if he was out but he said he was sleeping cause he was on call and couldnt go out. i tried to open up to him and told him that even when i did go out it didnt feel fun. i still felt empty inside. i smile and laugh but that euphoric feeling that you have all the time when your in love doesnt compare to anything in the world. i wish i wasnt so petty, i wish i was stronger and i could say i'm over him and i'm finding someone else but it's a lie, it's not true. sometimes i dream that he'll call me and want to get back with me or that he'll show up at my door and sweep me off my feet but i know it's not going to happen. he's told me so many times that he'll never get back with me and he's told me this even when i dont ask. that hurts so much.

tomorrow i have an appointment at the cf clinic. i pray that my pft's are better than last time. i've worked out like crazy and i'm trying hard to walk and get out there as much as possible. the ex told me to text him to let him know how the appointment went. i'm sure even if i dont text him he wont be texting me asking how it went. so i wont. i cant wait til i go volunteer and meet new people. my friends are all in different worlds. they are all in relationships and they dont even call me anymore to hang out. my sister moved in with her boyfriend and she's only 25, my cousins are all living with either their boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives. the younger cousins have boyfriends. i swear i'm the only single one over 18. it sucks. am i a horrible person, did i do something in my past life to deserve this loneliness? here's a pic of my cousin's party.

Strange Idea!!

ok so me and my friend ali were chatting online and i started thinking of how unlucky we are in love. today is actually my two month breakup-versary. i miss him so much. i know i've said it in like every single post. i dont care i'll say it until the end of time if i want to. so i told ali how i dont want to do the regular online dating crap. i want to start a new dating forum. it's going to be kinda weird and i'm sure weirdos will come out of the wood works if we do this idea. ok, so it's going to be called terminal dating. the idea is that it's going to be a chat site/dating/blogging site. it can be people with any terminal illness and regular people who want to meet or just chat about their love lives or dating. i have no idea how this will work. it sounds pretty silly but i really want to meet someone but i dont want to meet someone then scare them off with the whole cf thing. i'd rather them read about me and if they think they can handle me then they can contact me or whatever. lol. pretty crazy i know!! we'll see what happens with that. i think it's just a pipe dream but it's cool to dream. last night i had an awesome dream where i was freaking popular with the guys. i was like dating some great catches, lol. i wish it were real!!

here are some pics from the dolphin game!!

Night Time.....

These thoughts always seem to run through my head at night time. thoughts about the future, will i have kids, will i get married, will i be alive next year, next month, next week? It just always feels like groundhog day to me. Wake up do meds, eat breakfast, workout, have lunch, do therapy, do meds, take a shower, have dinner, more meds. The next day it starts all over again. When i was growing up, it was weird cause i never saw myself getting married. I never dreamed about a wedding dress. I've actually had a few dreams where i'm getting married and i want to run out of the church, which i do!! Today i thought about my ex and i looked at some old emails i wrote to him after the breakup. It just hurts to keep thinking about the same stuff, mostly the why. he said he didnt love me the same way. just thinking about him can bring the tears so easily to my eyes it's sad. i'm just trying so hard to get over him and it doesnt work. i keep thinking of a song we would both sing together. 3 doors down, here without you. it's so hard to hear that song. i hope i get better soon.

DOLPHINS!!!

Tomorrow is the day i go to the dolpins playoff game! i'm so excited. I hate that my seats are so high but i dont care. I made my own top to wear. It says got pennington and in the back it says go phins. yay!! sometimes i wish i were like some other people and use my cf to get perks on stuff. my friend always calls guest relations and tells them her story and they hook her up with things. i've never done that. i've always wanted to be normal like everyone else. it's getting a bit harder when i get short of breath. i actually did really well on friday. i went to the mall and went walking around the mall for 2 hrs. i only sat down twice. i must admit when i got home i coughed up a ton of stuff. it felt great. lol.

yesterday i had this huge urge to text my ex. i told myself no, i cant do that. i must admit his brother has a website for his new son and i have looked at it. my ex is in some of the pics. he's wearing a shirt i bought him in the pics. it's weird how girls make the weirdest connections to stuff. i think did he wear that shirt cause he knew i might look at the pics? it's so nutty. well i didnt call him but i have looked at the website. i feel like a drug addict who needs a fix every once in a while. it sucks!! i hope the feelings go away soon. it's only been about 2 months since we broke up so i guess it's normal.

after the game i will post up pics to show all the craziness. i'll probably shoot a video as well!!! i cant wait!!

New YEAR'S!!!

well my new year's was ok. i chilled with family and then went to a friends party which i had to leave cause there were dragons sitting at a table near where i was at and the smoke was horrible. it was a very small outdoor party so i really couldnt go anywhere to escape it. i just went hom at around 2am. i was super upset cause i really wanted to watch the sunrise and couldnt do it cause my mom put fear in me saying that i was going to get sick from the cold and the wind. WHATEVER!! i'm almost 40 and she still controls me. sometimes i feel like getting free housing and just moving out anywhere. Then i think about what if i get sick and there's no one there to help me. but i know everyone is a phone call anyway so. i hope in 2009 i'm more confident in myself and i'm not embarrassed if i need to wear oxygen in front of strangers or if i need to cough. i shouldnt care what others think.

my ex texted me on tuesday to let me know he was offically an uncle. i was kind of upset cause i was finally getting over him. i really didnt care he was an uncle, i mean honestly if i text him it's about my health. which i'm starting to feel that he just wants to know out of pitty for me. i'm not texting him about my health anymore cause i just want that chapter closed. i still have strong loving feelings for him and it still hurts like hell when i hear from him. it hasnt gotten any easier. i texted him for new year's to be a nice person and he never texted back. what a Fu*Ker! sorry. he just brings out the worst in me!

the good thing is that i'm going to the dolphins playoff game against the ravens. i cant wait!! i love football and i'm so excited. it's my first playoff game ever! i hope we win, even though the odds are against us. i'm still routing for my man chad pennington! what a HOTTIE!! lol.