Monday, January 12, 2009

Dr. Appt.

Today i went to see my pulmonologist. I really thought my pft's were going to me sooo much better. I have been working out so much and i've been so good about staying away from large crowds or people with colds. I feel like all i do is take care of my health. My pft's were actually two points lower. I couldnt believe it. I had a total breakdown. I started crying these huge tears and i was telling them how sad i had been feeling first that my pft's werent better then of course came the ex. I told them i didnt think i was handling it very well cause i was 31 and i had so many cf friends that have passed away and i was scared maybe my ex was the last one. the doctors were so sweet telling me everything was going to be ok and that he wasnt going to be the last. I have never felt like this before. i bet he doesnt even think twice about breaking my heart. the worst thing that the ex texted me. he actually remembered i had a doctors appt. he texted me and of course like an idiot i texted back and he responded. i asked him if i didnt have cf if he would still keep in contact with me. he said yes but he wouldnt ask me about dr. appts. he would just check in from time to time. i really dont know if i should cut the cord and tell him not to text me again. it just hurts so much to just get a text from him. i have a few great friends alot of them online with cf. they all give me such great advice. i've just never been hurt like this before.
tomorrow i'm going to buy some weights to add weight lifting into my work outs. i'm going to the keys this weekend with my family. i cant wait to sit on the dock and just look out into the ocean and cast that line out and do some fishing. i swear i could sit on the dock forever and stare at the ocean. At night in the keys the stars light up the sky so brightly. it really takes your breath away. i can already feel myself there. i hope by being there it will clear my mind and my stress can be decreased a bit. *sighs*


Amy said...

Cut all strings. Cut all ties. Then in a few months, years whatever, when you are truly over him you can be friends again. I have gone through many break ups where I have tried to remain friends with them while also trying to nurse my broken heart back to health. It doesn't work. I could never fully get past him until I was no longer waiting for a text or a phone call.

The 2 "men" that hurt me the most where the ones who flat out said they could not deal with CF. It hurt like hell!!!! I have never had such pain in my life as when my heart broke to hear those words. But you get over it. You find strength that someone will accept it.

Don't cry about being alone. Try to rejoice in it. I have accepted that I MIGHT die alone, unmarried. It hurts, it pains me, but I accept it. It makes life a little easier knowing that I have accepted a possible single existence. Then if I do meet someone he is an added bonus to my life.


sunshine rose said...

thank you so much for that comment. i will take it to heart. i'm so happy i'm not the only single cf. lol. sometimes i feel like everyone has someone. your right about cutting all ties. even though he was great when we were together. he didnt care about my cf. he even gave me chest therapy and would put my oxygen on for me. i guess the most important part i have to remember is that he broke up with me and broke my heart. i swear before him i was happy to be single, i loved it. i went on dates and didnt care about getting serious. now that i have felt what love is like i want to get back in love. it's crazy!!