During the weekend on friday i went to the pre-race dinner. it was fun to see other cf's there. On sunday was race day. I got there earlier than 4:30am to start setting up. I helped with the cups and filling them half way with gatorade. The runners started at 6am. It was an awesome experience to see them all. They were so thankful for the gatorade. I'm definitely doing it next year. I actually am going to start traning next year to do the half marathon which is 13 miles. i have very poor pft's so i'm going to wear my portable oxygen while i run. i hope to make it.
I did something stupid and checked out my ex's myspace page. of course he has it private but he hadnt changed his heading since we were going out. Today i check it and he changed it and for some reason i just got so sad and started crying. I feel like maybe he has moved on and is seeing other people. I fucking hate that i'm sick and i cant party with my friends like i want to. I fucking wish i could go out like i used to before. I fucking hate CF so much. Most people get to live their lives with no cares in the world. God i'm just so sick of being alone. So now i'm wondering to myself what the fuck does that heading mean? Why do i even fucking care? Last week a family friend of mine found out her boyfriend of 7yrs was cheating on her. Of course i reached out to her and i've been chatting with her online. It's sad when she told me her close friends arent even calling her cause they've gone on his side. She said she told her mom i was the only one who asked how she was doing. I cant imagine the pain she's going through right now. I know it seems like i'm being petty because me and my ex only went out for 4 months but i really thought we were going to make it longer. i was so happy in love, i had never had that kind of love before where someone loves you even though your sick and coughing up a lung infront of the other person, he would put my oxygen on my face, he listened to all my fears and wiped my tears away. it was just so perfect. why did it get taken away? i'm not a person who prays alot but lately i pray every night to god to help me stop loving him and for me to move on with my life and not think about him every single day. At the pre race dinner they presented a slide show and the song in the background was stand by me. that was our song. we both love that song. i almost started crying in front of everyone. he was my best friend for a year before we started going out so i would talk to him everyday. i miss that so much but i cant do it anymore. at first he wanted to keep talking but i didnt. then i wanted to talk and he said it would be too hard. It doesnt matter what goals i set for myself or if i make plans to do something on the weekend or take a trip anywhere he's always in the back of my mind. it's making my life a living hell!!!