Sunday, January 11, 2009


i know this is going to sound weird but i went on a free online dating site to see if i was honest about who i was if anyone would be interested. i put that i lived at home and that i had cystic fibrosis. i didnt put anything about being terminal, or on oxygen just that i had cf. no biggie. i put the profile for a few days. I got back ZERO replys. lol. it doesnt even bother me at all. it's kind of funny to me that those two words can scare people off.

this weekend was my godson's 3rd bday. he had the party at a park and it was a great time. i played in the jungle gym and was able to keep up with the kids with no oxygen. well once again i got lonely and texted the ex on friday and got no answer. i texted him the next day just trying to see if he was out but he said he was sleeping cause he was on call and couldnt go out. i tried to open up to him and told him that even when i did go out it didnt feel fun. i still felt empty inside. i smile and laugh but that euphoric feeling that you have all the time when your in love doesnt compare to anything in the world. i wish i wasnt so petty, i wish i was stronger and i could say i'm over him and i'm finding someone else but it's a lie, it's not true. sometimes i dream that he'll call me and want to get back with me or that he'll show up at my door and sweep me off my feet but i know it's not going to happen. he's told me so many times that he'll never get back with me and he's told me this even when i dont ask. that hurts so much.

tomorrow i have an appointment at the cf clinic. i pray that my pft's are better than last time. i've worked out like crazy and i'm trying hard to walk and get out there as much as possible. the ex told me to text him to let him know how the appointment went. i'm sure even if i dont text him he wont be texting me asking how it went. so i wont. i cant wait til i go volunteer and meet new people. my friends are all in different worlds. they are all in relationships and they dont even call me anymore to hang out. my sister moved in with her boyfriend and she's only 25, my cousins are all living with either their boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives. the younger cousins have boyfriends. i swear i'm the only single one over 18. it sucks. am i a horrible person, did i do something in my past life to deserve this loneliness? here's a pic of my cousin's party.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

baby girl, if you feel like the only person over 18 who is single, you are moving in some unique social circles! there are plenty of people looking for love in their 20's 30's and 40's. I hear you and I know lonliness is hard.
Please be careful about the stories you tell yourself like you did something wrong in past life or you are the only one over 18 not in a relationship. Are these things true? Can you be sure they are true? If not, they are only stories but the more you tell them to yourself, the more they will become your beliefs. Beliefs make us who we are and tell us how to perceive the world around us. Please be kind when you tell yourself stories. You deserve to be compassionate and loving to yourself, not make life harder with undue blame.
OK. End of lecture!! Sorry for the unsolicited advice but it's painful to watch your turn your pain about the relationship inwards to yourself.