I'm 32!!!

Hey everyone,

so yeah i've been long gone from this blogging thing. i was applying for jobs and going to interviews. I thought i had one but as soon as i said i had cf, it was dunzo. whatever maybe it's a sign i need to just focus on my workingout and staying healthy. My pft's are stable at the sucky 30's and my weight my great at 105.

Also i've met a few guys and went on a lunch date on monday. i thought it went great but he hasnt called and i didnt call him. i got stood up on friday. ehhh, those things dont surprise me anymore living here in miami. i heard this radio show that said miami is the most attractive city. also there are more women then men here. it's freaking torture. why cant i be happy that i have my health, family, and friends? why cant i just be like ok, screw men. i guess it's cause i've been single for soooo long.

my bday weekend was fun. on saturday me and 3 girlfriends went to this resturant/bar/club. yep lots of slashes. it was such a great time. awesome atomsphere and the music was pretty good. it was just great to go somewhere that there was a non somking policy. it's super hard to find those in miami. then on sunday we did a little family party at my aunt's house. the dolphins actually won! it was a great time. i got some money and a few great presents. i had an awesome time. well that's all for now. laters, wendy :)

ENOUGH!!

enough with men!! i swear i'm so done. i've deleted all the losers numbers and wont be contacting any of them. i'd rather be totally alone than keep being used. i'm just going to keep my focus on my health and family and close friends. if a man comes into my life then that's great, if not then that's fine too. i hate going back and fourth on this and yes it sucks to be alone but i dont want to whine anymore. i'm almost 32 and i should be happy i'm alive, most of my friends didnt make it to where i am now. ok, i'm out and going to workout. peace out everyone!! RIP sweets, I LOVE YOU!! xoxo.

It's been forever!

I've been pretty busy with stuff. I'm applying for tons of per-diem jobs and trying to get interviews so i havent had time to put all of my thoughts together. So right now i'm blue, my dog sweets was 14yrs old and had to be put to sleep today. i'm so sad but i cant cry. i know i will i'm just waiting for it to all come out. my mom has been crying non stop. i even emailed the ex and he didnt write back, no surprise. i'm so poor right now and my phone bill came out to over $100 dollars. i used the internet on it and i thought it was free. big huge mistake. i've been talking to a couple of new guys but no progress. i still have my DC guy and i'm going to visit him once my sis has her baby boy. my lungs are doing ok. last year i went to seaworld and had to use a wheelchair cause i was so outta breath. this year i went to aquatica one day and seaworld the next and did it all on my own!! i feel like i caused this to happen. i was mad one day and i asked god to just take me cause i couldnt stand life anymore. instead he took my best friend. :( i shouldnt have done that. i'm so stupid. i just dont feel like i'm useful, i feel like i just take, take, take. as you can tell i'm ovulating and on a downer. i hope things get better next week. i have a job interview and i see my doctor and i go to the research clinic. laters, wendy v.

just the same thing......

Nothing different is going on. everything is chill. My sis's baby shower was on sunday and it was great. that guy i went out on a date with texted me like once last week. just to say hi. f'ing loser. oh, i went today to my research appt and the cute guy was there. it was so embarrassing cause he was taking my vitals and my heart rate was at 118. i told him it's always that high but really it's cause i have a huge crush on him. lol. Also i got his number!! not for personal reasons but incase i have a question about the meds and stuff. i'm going to orlando for labor day and i cant wait. ummm.......really nothing else is new. my fev1 was at 32% today without doing my meds or therapy. that's pretty good, i guess. i'm not complaining. as all as i feel great and i'm not getting sick i really dont care about my numbers. also i am pushing myself more than ever with my workouts. the doctor said never go by the numbers unless you feel them. I dont feel them so i'm happy. i might have to have my wisdom teeth pulled out. ugh!! ok that's about it. peace out!

I'm always in the friend zone....

well i finally heard from my bff today. After i called her of course. She dumped her bf of almost 2yrs and now is dating a 23 yr old. and he's already staying over her place. sometimes i dont know what goes through her head. Also that guy i went out on the bad date with is telling everyone at his job which is the job my friend works at that we are in the friend zone and there was no chemistry and we will stay friends. No shit!! I dont even want the fucker for a friend. Screw him!! The only guy that's paying any attention to me is one with a girlfriend. well we have known each other forever but now he has this chick and it sucks. so today has been a horrible day. i feel like i'm getting left out by the whole world. I cant wait for friday, my cousin is having a pool party and it should be lots of fun. well gotta go.

How they do it.....

I have no idea how people can breakup with someone and then just start dating the next day. Someone close to me had a breakup about a month ago and is already seeing someone new. I really cant stand miami and the way people are here. I'd love to get away from this atomsphere. It's just so stressful and toxic. Another friend of mine that i liked a long while back is dating someone and i'm super happy for him but why not me? Did you know that in miami there are ten girl for every guy. The competition here is insane. Also families put tons of pressure on you about dating and being alone. They are relaxed with me because of my CF. They think oh well she has it harder cause of her illness. That guy that i went on the date on texted me the next day but i havent heard from him since and dont really care if i ever do. I know i started this blog to speak about my CF but right now i'm doing well. Not perfect in anyway but i havent been in the hospital for almost a year and stable with my pft's. I've decided to start paralegal school in Jan. with my cousin. I want a temp job and there's tons of law firms here hiring. I dont want full time cause i'll lose my SSI and my medicare/medicaid. Plus being a temp you'll have a job for a month and then you can take 3 weeks off and relax. I dont want to be stuck at one place. Especially since CF is so unpredictable. This sunday is my sis's baby shower. It will only be the ladies. I know it'll be tons of fun but i'll be kinda depressed i wont ever be able to know what a baby inside me feels like. I'll be sure to post pics. Not to sound dirty but i need a man in my life!! lol.

Bad Date!!

well my best friend set me up with a guy from her job. he saw my facebook and thought i was cute and i thought he was good looking too. So we talked during the week and saturday decided to go to the beach. i didnt tell him about my cf cause i wanted him to get to know me first. Actually this is on the advice of my family and friends. they are saying i am not cf, and that i shouldnt just blurt it out to everyone. It's hard for me to do that cause i know at one point i'm going to cough or take out my pills and i am cf in a way.

We get to the beach and everything is fine. He's kinda quiet and i'm the kind of person who likes to talk and be fun. I'm trying to get him out of his "shell" so i try to put him on the spot which i thought he would be ok with cause on our talks on the phone he was so flirty with me. I asked him so do you still think i'm cute? The dude didnt say a word back, i swear i heard cricketts in the backgroud. I was like well since you didnt say anything i guess that means no. Then he said that's not true, maybe i just dont want you to know what i think. By that time i was already done with him. Then we walk back to the garage i parked my car at and the elevator didnt work. We had to climb 6 flights of stairs. I was pretty SOB, he was looking at me like wow, what a lazy chick. I couldnt stand him thinking something so wrong so i told him i had cf. Of course i'm the kind of person who likes to be blunt and say the truth about cf. i'm not going to paint a beautiful great picture cause if i do get worse i wouldnt want him to say i didnt tell him. After i told him he immediately changed the subject. We got to his place and we watched a movie and he cooked me dinner. Well this part is pretty messed up. We had a joke on the phone about taking showers. So i asked him what are you going to do now? He said i'm going to take a shower and blah, blah, blah. So i said i'd love to take a shower. Which he replied, dont you have a shower in your house. OMG, that was the last straw!! I was like yeah you're right. So i gave him a hug goodbye and he told me to text him when i got home which i didnt care to do. I was so upset. I felt like darn do i look that horrible in person? i know i take ok pics but this guy was a dick. i guess he was the first guy i really thought was cute since my ex so it hit me hard. Also i saw my ex had been online and he never replied to my email. kinda hurt. Last night was really horrible. I'm so thankfull for my good friends. especially my friend joe in DC. i wish he lived here. we would be together in a heartbeat. lol. well that's about it. hope everyone had a great weekend. laters, wendy

i disappoint myself

yep, i've done something bad. i emailed the ex on fri. or thurs. dont recall the day. well he hasnt written back to me. that's probably a good sign. i let my best friend read it and she said it was actually great. didnt sound horrible at all. just one person updating another one and hoping they are ok. so i hope that's how he sees it as well. puke, i cant believe i did that. fuck!

it's been forever since i blogged!

ok, lets see what's new........ Well i finally got into the new spiriva study! its so awesome. that drug opens up those airways and so much stuff comes out it's incredible. even when you think you are clear, you still bring stuff up. I was at the clinic on tuesday doing the study and they give you the med and you have to do 3 pft's every hour for 4 hrs. i was so dead when we finished. my pft's went from fev1 of 30% to 34% in four hrs, not bad! also i'm working out like crazy with ankle and wrists weight that i have on almost for 3 hrs a day. i have them on when i workout and when i'm cleaning the house and doing the floors, etc. i'm not going to lie, it's been really tough to keep up this schedule. i remember back a few yrs ago, waking up doing an albuterol and leaving for work for 8hrs then going to school unti 10pm and still partying on the weekends. i cant imagine going back to work now. i love having all the time off in the world to workout and do my meds and if i want to go somewhere on a trip i just go. i would like to do something extra but maybe something like answering phones somewhere. no pressure job that's for sure. my sis will be having her baby in oct. i cant wait. i felt him kick for the first time yesterday. it was sooo cool. i'll be taking care of him while she's at work when he gets here. it's so exciting!!

Then yesterday i got an urge. A bad urge, i felt kind of like a drug addict who wanted just a little hit of the drug. I was dying to text the ex. I've been doing so well, i havent texted him since may 30th, which was his bday. So i called my girls and thank god they helped me out and talked me through it and i didnt text. I came pretty close to breaking down. I guess it's just i havent been interested at all in anyone else, he's still pretty fresh in my mind. Also there's this new guy who works at the cf clinic and omg, i get so nervous around him. he's 28yrs old and sooo cute. he's from san fran. When i get nervous i get really chatty and i was talking his ear off on tuesday. i mean i was there for over 4 hrs. so i was bored out of my mind. I got to know a bit about him. he has two masters in science and wants to go to med school and become a surgeon. what's wrong with pulmonology? lol. i hate that most people who work in the hospital field always see us patients not as regular people who go out and have fun. they think we just lay in bed and wait to die. I was telling him about these places i go to hang out with my friends and he was like, oh really! anyways the point to this was that i was so nervous doing my pft's cause he was right behind me telling me blow, blow, blow, you can do it, just a little bit more. I'm so evil all the horrible thoughts running through my head. haha, i just wanted to bust out laughing. plus you know when your doing a pft sometimes you squeeze your buns tight, lol. he was right behing me. i hope he wasnt looking down. then the coughing up afterwards was the worst. i kept thinking this is so unattractive. it's funny cause i bet he didnt even notice. i'm just silly when it comes to men. ugh. oh i'm going to the smokey mountains for new years!! yay!! i cant freaking wait. i love skiing. even though i'm horrible at it. ok that's about it. bye!!

Life Breath

Has anyone ever seen this movie? OMG, it was the hardest thing to watch. It's about a married couple and the wife has cf. She looks like she's in her twenties. There's this one part that really got to me, well the whole movie actually got to me but in this part she was lying in bed on oxygen at home watching tv. then she sees all these commercials about running, swimming, hiking, just stuff she cant do. of course it made me cry like a baby. Then when her husband gets home she's asking him why is he with her if she cant do anything and that was a rough scene as well. Another part is that she's lying in the hospital bed and she's on a vent and she's just struggling to breathe and her husband is just watching helplessly and unable to do anything. That made me remember the reason why i have such a hard time with relationships. I dont want to have someone go through that with me. I dont want to be a burden on someone and have them watch me die. i feel bad that my parents might have to bury me one day. i wish sometimes i could just do this all alone and not hurt anyone. My sister hates all the so called attention i get because i have cf and sometimes my family doesnt understand how bad of a disease cf is. they are always telling me i'll get better and that i can run like everyone else and swim as fast and if i get tired they think i'm lazy cause i want to rest. it's so tough sometimes to be in my family. they are great but they do not cope well with my cf. i mean even my sister told me that i wanted to get sicker to get attention from my mom. Also yesterday i was looking through my photo albums and i found two pictures of me and my ex from tampa. I cant believe it will be a year on july 3 that we met. actually today. he showed me what love was but only to take it away so soon. we used to talk on the phone everyday and he knew all my fears and all my cf concerns. i felt so happy with him, even if we stayed in his apt. all day it was great. i wonder all the time what he's doing now. we dont text nor talk. my wounds are still fresh. it's crazy, we broke up in nov. i'm still not over him. he's probably with someone else happy as a clam and i'm here tearing up. oh well such is life. hopefully i'll have a great july 4 and not cry too much knowing that it would have been our 1 yr anniversary july 6. his loss, right?

Tough Weekend......

This weekend on sunday Ava Campbell passed away. She was only 15 when she passed. I've seen so many of my close friends with cf pass away and i cant count the numerous times i've gone to funerals to say goodbye. It hurts this time even more cause she was so young. Before the cfers were older than me and i thought that's just how cf was, we didnt live that long. I still remember the first time my mom told me someone with cf that i knew passed away. she sat me down on the couch and told me a friend passed. i immediately started crying and i just told her i didnt want to die. she told me everyone dies, it's apart of life and that we all go to heaven. it didnt make it any easier. i remember when i was a teenager and i would get hospitalized i had a crew of cf friends who would all go in at the same time for some odd reason. we would go to each others rooms and stay up all night. it was a blast. most of them arent with us anymore. When i was 18 a good friend of mine went in for a tune up, no biggie. then all of the sudden she just started getting worse and her sats wouldnt go up. she ended up in ICU and i would go visit everyday. Then one week afterwards her mom told me she was getting better so i didnt go visit for a couple of days. I went to see her the day after halloween and i went into the ICU and her bed was empty. i thought it was odd and i told my bestfriend to go and ask cause i was so scared of what i knew had happened. she passed away the night before and no one called to tell me. i just broke down in the hallway of the hospital. i was so upset, the funeral was even worse. Even though it's tough i still go to say my goodbyes and to let them know that i was there to the end with them. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo on my side of a rose with the stem and thorns with 65 roses on it in memory of all my friends. i dont have the money right now but i know i will get it in a couple of months.

Changing the subject, when i got back from hawaii even though i had the time of my life i was sad. i was sad cause i didnt have someone special to share that moment with. I've been single for so long and i'm so tired of it. i know its fun that i get to do what i want when i want but honestly i'm so freakin lonely. sometimes i get mad at god, it's like a cant catch a break. i thank him for everything but why doesnt he bring love into my life? i know i've complained about this so many times on here but it's just sad. Also the men in miami are horrible. This one guy i used to date has a girlfriend now and he still texts me to hookup with him. Then me and my girlfriend went out and some guy friend of hers who's married with a pregnant wife came to have dinner with us and paid our bill. he told his wife he was working late. it's just sad how no a days men and women dont respect themselves and have such low morals. i dont know if it's just in miami but i'm starting to think so cause i know plenty of cfers in great relationships. i love ranting sometimes. Oh also my cf friend came down from sarasota with her boy to hang out and i havent even gone to see her cause they are just the most lovey dovey couple ever. it really makes me depressed to go see them. i have no idea why i've gotten like this. couples never used to bother me before no i'm all sickened by them. i guess it's cause i want one so bad. honestly people the longest relationship i've had was when i was 19 and it lasted for 2yrs. i've only been in love twice and both times my heart has been shattered to pieces. i dont like online dating nor do i feel like volunteering somewhere for the wrong reason. i dunno what to do. thank god i have a few friends that are single and see things like me. the only difference is that they have been in long term relationships. i would love to say i dated someone for more than 5 months. geez it's just so aggravating. plus with cf and me probably not being able to have kids and not being able to work full time i just feel like men dont see anything worth investing in me. i cant give them anything but my love. well anyways that's my rant. god bless and have a good nite everyone, wendy v.

back from hawaii!!

going to hawaii!

well it's tuesday in the early morning and i'm freaking out. i cant believe in 3 days i'll be in hawaii. i'm so freaking scared of honestly everything and anything that can go wrong. the plane, the ship, the hotel. i'm a worrier by trade. i always expect the worst and pray for the best. i guess it's my cf way of thinking. it's really hard for me to be positive sometimes. i will have fun no matter what. i'm a bit concerned cause i've been a little sob but i think it's cause i'm ovulating and i've been doing these long walks on a full stomach. w/e my digital pft machine says i'm fine and i'm coughing up like crazy when i feel anything junkie in my lungs. my mom is all concerned but i try to ease her thoughts and tell her it's my breathing excersies, which it is. i know i'm not anywhere as bad as i was last year health wise. well all is the same on every other aspect. i'm off to hawaii on friday. :)

so.....i'm working out like a beast and trying to cough up as much as possible! my friend told me about this supplement called NAC that's supposed to maintain cellular health. she knows someone who's pft's went up 10%. i think that's just amazing. right now if they told me that dog poop helped with my lungs i'd be right there trying it. lol. i'm so ready for hawaii, i want to do so much. i just hope i dont get short of breath. if i do i know that i can just take a minute and breathe deeply and i'll be fine. oh, i went up to tampa to see my friend from dc and it was so crazy. everywhere i looked reminded me of things i did with my ex. he lives up in tampa. so i ended up texting him and of course he's doing great and working alot and everything is just sunshine and rainbows. BARF. i want to be happy for him but it's so hard. my friend from dc was a great host. it wasnt what i thought it was going to be but it was nice. w/e no biggie. i'm really hoping my lung functions go up when i see the docs the week after hawaii. my gluts are killing me! yesterday i climbed up this rock slide all day long and now i feel it like crazy! i'm dying to do it again. haha. gotta go. bye!!

SO UPSET!!! :(

well i went to the docs on monday and my pft's went down. i guess that's cause i finished the study med about 6 weeks ago and the effects of it have left my body completely. i wanted to cry when i saw my numbers. my fev1 was at 28%. oddly enough my docs werent worried a bit. they said it has happened to all the patients who had been on the study med. it was a blind study but i guess i was getting the good stuff. i'm still working out and eating great. i'm up to 106lbs last year i was 92lbs. i'm only 4'11". i asked the docs what's next? can i still go to hawaii, do i need ivs? they said no that my numbers will stablize and i'll be back to 39% soon. can you believe he told me dont look at the numbers? i was like what! i live by those things. he said what mattered was how i looked and felt. plus my sat's were at 97% on room air. i was on inhaled levaquin for the study and i want that med asap!! lol. i'm actually going into another study for cipro. it's supposed to be REALLLLYYYY GOOOD. I'm sure your numbers will get up in no time. i did feel like i was coming down with a cold this weekend so that might be why they went so low as well. i talked to another cf friend who was on the same study and her pft's went low as well, so low they wanted to admit her. she asked them for a week to get better and her numbers went back up. long story short, if they arent worried i wont be either. i'll check up on that med you wrote me about as well. sorry so long. lol. love ya, wendy v.

P.S. this was a message i wrote to a cf friend. i just copied and pasted. i didnt want to write the story over again.

Dr. visit on Monday!

well i had my last study appt. on monday. i've been off the study med for a month now. i'm at 108 weight wise which is super heavy for me. i've never been over 104. then i did the dreaded pft. the last time i was at 32% which sucks. i've been stuck on that for 4 months now. it's better than last year when i was at 29% and on the transplant list. so i remember doing the pft and looking at my fev1 with shock. it was at 39%! i know it's not much at all but i've been working so hard to just get something past 35% and finally i did it. also my docs told me last yr that my scarring in my lungs were pretty bad and i would only be able to get up to 35 or 36% and now i'm at 39%. it's insane and i hope the machine wasnt broken or messed up. i'm going back in two weeks so we'll see how i'm doing at that time. i feel the same with 39% honestly. i have been working out almost 5 to 6 days a week. it's not hard work outs but i do sprints outside and i do my exercise bands to tone up and i have the eliptical and treadmil also i have been sweeping and mopping 4 days a week cleaning my house floors and omg that's such a workout. lol. my chest was really tight and sore on the weekend and i was super scared but the doc says it's my chest muscles expanding and getting sore. i never knew cleaning the floors could do that. lol. going to the beach tomorrow and cant wait to get sun! i feel like the sun also helps us cfers. vitamin e! i think. i hope the water isnt too cold and i hope there are no jellyfish. i'm deathly afraid of those things!! laters.

Any CFers wanna make easy money????

There is a market research company asking CFers questions about our medications and our opinions on CF products. If you qualify, you get paid $50 and for referring you I will get $50 as well. If you are interested, please reply back to me and I will email you the info. If not, then I will pass this on to other CF friends. If you qualify for the study I , wendy victorero, will get $50 for referring you. This sounds pretty fair to me! If your like me, then you could use the $50 right now as well. They ask you: what kind of inhaled medications do you use, what kind of antibiotics do you use, what kind of neb and compressor do you use (brand). If you qualify, youll get a $50 check. I do a lot of the CF market research studies, and you usually get your check within 3 weeks.

How do i change the background?

How do i change the background. i've done it before but when i try to add a new one it doesnt pop up. anyways everything is going ok since yesterday. no big changes. lol. chatted with some friends online. i got my new ipod in the mail and my new speakers but i'm still waiting for the twilight movie. i have no idea how i got so into it. i swore i was going to hate it and i started watching it and loved it! cant wait for the next one. well it's 60 days til i go to hawaii. i'm super excited but i'm the type of person who holds it all in. with cf you learn to do that cause you never know what can happen the next day, hour, minute. it sucks but it's reality. i never syke myself for anything cause i know it might not happen. i've been chatting with another cf online who is going through a rough patch in his relationship. it's really helped me to be able to vent to someone who also has cf and understands our mind set when it comes to relationships. well it's late and i have therapy in the morning.

This Weekend....Family Drama!

This weekend was alright no biggie. In a way i cant wait to just get out of miami!! sometimes i wish i didnt have cf so i could just travel the world. with cf we have to lug all our meds with us and we need to be close to a pharmacy, a hospital, and cf doctors. Thank god that the internet has introduced me with many other cf's around the world, so i know there are many cf clinics out there if i ever do want to move.

on friday i went to dinner with my cousin then went to a friend's house. my sis was there as well as some couples. it felt like i was in an episode of the view. all the women sitting around a table talking about issues and entertainment and of course gossip. i got bored after a bit. we left at around 2am. then saturday during the day i heard that my cousin was having a bbq at her place. i got there and it was a bunch of people i didnt know. they were all her bf's friends. i cant stand her bf so i was super upset that they were making a mess of the place. why didnt they do it at his place? so i was at the bbq just looking at all these early kids in their twenties and wondering if i ever acted that stupid. they didnt even introduce themselves to me. they just pretended i wasnt there. my cousin's sisters were there. they are younger and i made the biggest mistake to complain to them about what was happenning. so i left a little while afterwards. Then at night i went to go see I LOVE YOU MAN!! lol. it was really great. while i was watching the movie i looked at my phone and saw that i had 3 text messages. weird cause i usually never have that many at a time. it was my cousin saying that i was very rude and whoever she wants to invite to her place is her business. first of all that's her parents place and those arent her friend's their her bf's. does she actually think those guys are going to stay friends with her after they break up? ugh, i just got so mad. today was my other cousin's bday party at some sushi place. i didnt go because i didnt want drama and i didnt want to ruin my cousin's party. it was just a mess. w/e i cant stand the dude. i even heard that he cheated on her. i know it's none of my business and i should stay out of it and blah, blah, blah, but that's my blood and i will defend it to the end. that guy has to go!!

R.I.P. Abuelo

my grandpa died last saturday. he was 84 yrs old. he lived a rough life. he was in jail for about 20yrs in cuba for being against castro. i was at a wedding when he passed. my mom wanted me to go out and just live. it was the saddest wedding i had ever been to.

so this week has been blah. i'm ovulating so i'm having these crazy mood swings! i feel like crying one minute and the next i want to kick someone's ass!! plus i havent texted nor emailed the ex in about a month. i'm very proud but also sad cause i cant believe he hasnt checked to see if i'm doing ok. i guess since i complained that i didnt want him as a friend if he was just pitting me cause i was sick he must have been like well fuck her. i just want to find the one already. god why cant i find him? i've tried everything. i feel like such a loser always fucking talking about this. i'm really not like this at all, i just love venting when i write and i always vent about my health and my lack of relationships. couples make me barf! yesterday my friend told me he was going to propose to his gf and he was looking at rings. i actually started to look at rings as well just to get an idea. lol. i'm such a dork. i found a dress and an antique looking ring. haha. i dont even have a man and i'm doing all this crap. geez!!

St. Patty's Day AfterMath! lol

My Patty's day was fun. went out with some friends and walked like crazy! my feet still hurt!! there was some drama but thank god none with me. i'm so glad all my exes dont live near me. that's one reason i love long distance relationships. lol. Also a great update, even though i've only up dosed my antidepression meds i already feel the difference. i dont have the sad thoughts like before and i'm able to fall asleep so much faster!! i'm so much more happier. i see the sunshining in my life brighter than ever! also i might have a couple of more girl friends going on the cruise so that'll be fun. i know that hawaii is the honeymoon capital so i'm glad i'll be with other single gals! today is my dinner and movie night at my cousins place. i love going there and just chit chatting about stuff, it's fun!! i have a wedding on saturday, blah. there arent my cup of tea. i swear if and when i get married i will do it with only a few close family members and friends and i'll be dressed in a very simple dress and it will be very laid back and relaxed!!!!

crazy doc appt.

well today i had a visit with my psychiatrist. i told him about how blue i've been feeling lately and how everything makes me so emotional. i see him because when i was 23 i quit drinking and having "fun" cold turkey. then all of the sudden i started having really bad panic attacks where i would pass out and i wasnt able to work or go out of my house. i stayed in my house for two weeks straight. it was the scariest time of my life back then. ok so i saw him today and told him everything and he upped my dose of zoloft and gave me something to go to sleep with but i'm scared to take it. i called my cf doc and he told me to hold off on it until i see him next monday. they gave me lunesta. i dunno what's wrong with me. i still tear up whenever someone asks me about my ex or what happened. i just dont know why it's so painful. i've had so many great things happen to me after him. i should have been able to let him go. i am doing much better though, i havent emailed or texted him in about 3 weeks. i'm so fucking lame. well the great thing is that i'm going to hawaii!!!! yep, i've set up all the flights and hotels stays and the cruise the most important part. here are some pics of me in the keys last weekend!!!

I'm going to be an Auntie!!!

My sis is preggers! i'm so excited for her!! I cant wait to be an aunt. i'm actually going to take care of it while my sis is at work and stuff. i really want to do this on my own. no one ever lets me take care of a baby. everyone thinks i'm horrible with them. yeah right! just because i'm 31 with no kids doesnt mean i hate kids. hispanic people can be so retarded sometimes!! sometimes i want to get preggers to show them i can do it! i'm kinda sad too cause i just keep thinking i will never experience that. i'm going to get personal but i was pregnant when i was 20. i was in the hospital for 2 weeks cause i was sick. i didnt know i was also preggers. they asked me if i was and i said no, they asked me if i was sure cause the meds could affect the baby. when i got out of the hospital i noticed i was late. i did a pregnancy test and it was positive. i told my parents and they played the good cop/bad cop routine. i decided to end the pregnancy. i honestly couldnt see myself having a baby. it would be ten yrs old now. the father was a coke head who had the worst temper in the world. of course when i met him he wasnt like that. he met some new people at a job he got a year into our relationship and he just changed once he got into the drug. also i was doing so well with the ex situation. i hadnt cried in over a week, then of course i went on his myspace and he had an adventurous mood and all this happy shit. my heart sank and then i cried. i wish i could just see his stuff and not be sad!! god i just want to get over him. i've tried meeting new people and chatting with new guys and it just doesnt work :( well i'm going to hawaii for my 32nd bday. even though the cruise is in may it's still for my bday! it's a hawaiian cruise! still doing the research med and it's going fine. nothing much more to say for now! bye!

therapy

so....me and another cf friend of mine were talking about some of the difficulties we were having lately. she told me she wanted to see a therapist and i said i do to. i just hate feeling these highs and lows all the time. i feel like i need to talk to someone who knows what i might be going through in a medical sense i guess. i've never been this weak after a breakup. i'm usually strong!! well he hasnt written back since i last emailed him and i'm not surprised. i asked my friend why he doesnt react to the things i write to him and she told me the straight up truth. that the reason he didnt respond is because he has no feelings at all for me. it hurt like hell to hear it but it made total sense!

now to cf stuff. i'm doing the research med and i'm having this dry hacking cough. especially when i lay down. i'm not sure if it's cause i feel like i'm getting a cold. i dont think it's the cold cause i feel better from that. i hate having to sterilize and clean the eflow each time i use it. i'm kinda lazy in that sense. lol. it takes a minute to do so i shouldnt complain. i might go an a european cruise for my bday!! my best friend who is coming along says i better be at my best, health wise or she'll be carrying everywhere on her back. hopefully by that time i'll have the new portable air concentrator that only weighs 4lbs. also i dont mind wearing it cause i'll be in a different country and who'll remember me over there. lol.

email.....

so last night i was up late as usual and i wrote an email to my ex. i know, i know, i sound crazy. who knows maybe i am. but what can i say i needed to tell him stuff and get things off my chest. you know women need closure, well at least i do. i wrote him that i still loved him and that i'll probably always will and that i'm sorry i'm having trouble moving on. i told him that he just did things that nobody else had done for me. it's weird i guess at my age with cf maybe my mind thinks that it will be my last love? i dunno i'm so weird. well he hasnt written back and i dont think he will. in a way it's so hard to be angry at him. he broke up with me like a real man. he didnt cheat or let me stay in a relationship that sucked. he wants me to be happy and move on and find someone else. i think i wrote this in my last blog. sorry i have a head cold and i just took some meds. lol. i'm thinking of seeing a therapist to see why this relationship has hit me so much harder than any other. i have medicare and medicaid and i have no idea how to look for one or if they insurance will even pay. this weekend i'll be in the keys and i love it there. it's so relaxing and just sitting on the dock outside looking at the ocean. it just clears your mind and it's so peaceful. i hope to seek that kind of clear headedness (is that a word?) this weekend. xoxo.

crying

well of course i fuck everything up that i say i'm going to do. i hate being weak, which is what i have been lately. i get happy about things then i think about other things and i get sad. it sucks cause i guess i just need more things on my plate so i dont think at all. i texted my ex this weekend and things went ok. we didnt get into personal issues, i just told him that i was going to start the research med tomorrow. it's so weird how stupid little things pop into your head and they make you so emotional. i think about how he would put on his uniform every morning and tie up his boots and put his cap on so perfectly, the face that he used to make when he put it on was priceless. i cant believe thinking of something so small like that can make me cry. lately all i do is cry. but it's not sad cry it's more like letting things out crying. i've always been tough and cold when it came to feelings. i never let any one or any thing hurt me. i never cried when i would be in the hospital getting poked by a thousand needles, i never cried when a cf friend would die, i always knew they were going to a better place, i never cried when a family member died cause i thought the same thing. Lately all these memories and emotions are just pouring out of me. i guess since this is the first love i've ever lost it's hit me so much and now i'm feeling every loss i've had. i pray every night that i can move on and get over him. it even sucks more that he has nothing to say but kind words about me. he doesnt hate me, infact he wants the best for me. he wants me to move on and be happy, when all i want is to be with him.

last night was my bff's bday and we went bowling! it was a great time!! here are some pics!!

Took a Break......

well i was taking a break from blogging. i've just been working out a ton and trying to stay healthy. it seems like everyone is getting the flu or a cold. i do not want that at all. i've been taking my vitamins and my antibiotics. i'm also very excited that on monday i will start the new research med. there's a 3 in 4 chance i will get the med and not the placebo. i pray i get the med. me and the ex are pretty much done. there's absolutely no contact at all. he doesnt text me anymore to see if i'm ok and last time i texted him, he told me he had moved on but not dating anyone. i was hurt but life goes on. i have been feeling great lately. no complaints. i've been doing so much exercise and i've been keeping the house clean. i feel like a maid sometimes. lol. lately i've been getting alot of attention cause since i've gained so much weight my clothes are tighter and i have hips, and thighs, and a butt now. wooohooo!!! i've been trying to get a job but my schedule is kinda packed. now that i'm doing the research study i have to go to the clinic every week to do bloodwork and other things. i also have my respiratory therapist who comes everyday in the morning to do my beatings and i cant miss that. lately i've been so bloated, i'm now going to start taking beano and i'm taking a probiotic to help more with my digestion. hope it helps. i feel so bloated!! i guess that's my only complaint. on saturday it's my best friend's bday!! she's turning 32 and we are going to this place called lucky strike to bowl. it's an adult bowling alley, you have to be 21 to get in so no kiddies! they have a bar and a dj so i'm hoping for tons of fun!!!!

PFT's

i went to the docs on monday and finally my pft's went higher. my fev1 went from 31% to 35%. and my weight is stable 103 which is fine for my small frame, i'm only 4'11". also i saw the endo and my blood sugars arent that bad but they could be a bit better. sometimes i do get into the low 200's which isnt good. i think my eyes are also giving me problems. sometimes i feel like they arent fully opened. it's like that feeling when you just wake up and they are still adjusting and your vision is still kind of blurry or doubled. it's weird, i really cant explain it. i think i need to start taking some sleeping pills. last night i didnt fall asleep until 4am and then took naps most of the day. i was able to do my workouts and clean the house floors. Next monday is going to be a crazy doctor day. i have to be at 10am at my pulmonologist to start a research med so they have to do an evaluation. that will take 2hrs. then at 1pm i have an endo appt. and then at 2pm i have to go back to the pulmo. for a regular visit. i'm so dreading that day. something retarded i did, i went to eharmony and tried it out for a month which was pretty expensive and my matches sucked! lol. how horrible is that!! also i'm going to try to go back to school for paralegal studies. my friend told me they hire temps alot and that's exactly the type of schedule i need. oh last thing my ex still hasnt contacted to check why i havent been around for a while. i guess that's my answer that he's too busy cause he's moved on. today i had the biggest urge to text him with my new number and i pick up my book "it called a breakup cause it's broken" and thank god it helped me see that i'm worth more than him and he's the one that made the choice to breakup with me so if he wants to contact me he knows my email and my house number so wtf. i know there's someone out there for me, you know what they say it happens when your not looking, there's plenty of fish in the sea, you need to meet new people, god has a plan for you, and etc. i hope all those phrases are right cause i just dont know anymore. i'm totally leaving it up to life it's self. no more searching online or asking people if they know anyone it's just too much. if i'm single it's cause i havent found the right one and that's it. no more blaming myself or the other person in the past, it's just over. i am happy either way!!!

New number.....

I changed my cell# yesterday. I felt like i had to if i wanted to forget the past and start out new. I now feel free from my phone and i dont check it anymore to see if the ex texts me. it's very freeing. i'm happier now and i dont think about him as much. well it's superbowl weekend! i'm going to go watch it with friends at a resturant/bar thing. i hope it's good. i'm still working out everyday and now i'm taking my huge 90lb bulldog for walks around the block. it's fun to be with a partner and not alone. lol. lets see what else is going on..........nope, nothing pops up. my lower back still bothers but i feel it's getting a bit better. i cant stop working out. i feel things loosening up so much now and it's so much easier to bring it up! it gets addicting. also i'm helping my mom around the house alot more. YAY for me!!

Start of Another week.

During the weekend on friday i went to the pre-race dinner. it was fun to see other cf's there. On sunday was race day. I got there earlier than 4:30am to start setting up. I helped with the cups and filling them half way with gatorade. The runners started at 6am. It was an awesome experience to see them all. They were so thankful for the gatorade. I'm definitely doing it next year. I actually am going to start traning next year to do the half marathon which is 13 miles. i have very poor pft's so i'm going to wear my portable oxygen while i run. i hope to make it.

I did something stupid and checked out my ex's myspace page. of course he has it private but he hadnt changed his heading since we were going out. Today i check it and he changed it and for some reason i just got so sad and started crying. I feel like maybe he has moved on and is seeing other people. I fucking hate that i'm sick and i cant party with my friends like i want to. I fucking wish i could go out like i used to before. I fucking hate CF so much. Most people get to live their lives with no cares in the world. God i'm just so sick of being alone. So now i'm wondering to myself what the fuck does that heading mean? Why do i even fucking care? Last week a family friend of mine found out her boyfriend of 7yrs was cheating on her. Of course i reached out to her and i've been chatting with her online. It's sad when she told me her close friends arent even calling her cause they've gone on his side. She said she told her mom i was the only one who asked how she was doing. I cant imagine the pain she's going through right now. I know it seems like i'm being petty because me and my ex only went out for 4 months but i really thought we were going to make it longer. i was so happy in love, i had never had that kind of love before where someone loves you even though your sick and coughing up a lung infront of the other person, he would put my oxygen on my face, he listened to all my fears and wiped my tears away. it was just so perfect. why did it get taken away? i'm not a person who prays alot but lately i pray every night to god to help me stop loving him and for me to move on with my life and not think about him every single day. At the pre race dinner they presented a slide show and the song in the background was stand by me. that was our song. we both love that song. i almost started crying in front of everyone. he was my best friend for a year before we started going out so i would talk to him everyday. i miss that so much but i cant do it anymore. at first he wanted to keep talking but i didnt. then i wanted to talk and he said it would be too hard. It doesnt matter what goals i set for myself or if i make plans to do something on the weekend or take a trip anywhere he's always in the back of my mind. it's making my life a living hell!!!

Volunteering at the ING race this weekend!!

well yesterday was the pre-dinner event for the runners and volunteer for the ING race. Our racers will be running for the cystic fibrosis foundation. I will be passing out waters in our tent, i have to be there at 4:30 in the am. i have no idea how i'm going to do that. lol. The dinner was very informative. A few doctors and nurses spoke about how great running and excerising is for cf patients. It made me get up this morning and work out on the tredmil for a bit. usually i take a break on the weekends.

Also i got great news from my docs. They called me to be in a research study for inhaled cipro. i hope i get the real drug!! I heard they make your pft's way higher! omg, i would so love that!! i'm getting paid for it but i dont care at all about the money. i hope this year will bring in new research and better health for me and others with cf.

History was made today!!

Today barack obama became president. I hope he makes a difference in america. I hope he makes a change and he raises the tax prices on cigarettes. i'm sure we would definately cut our defecit (sp) by a ton of money. Also it made me proud to find out that a cuban designed the dress the first lady michell obama wore today. it wasnt my favorite but i heard from friends of mine that work in fashion that it was a great choice for her skin color and her body style. Other than that today i was able to work out a bit more even though my back is still hurting. i'm doing many stretches and then i walked on the tredmil and did some time on the eliptical machine. then i felt inspired and helped did some housework for my mom. I want to go to DC in feb. my sis and her boyfriend will be there and it would be great that she'll be there cause she could do my therapy. my sis just wrote me an email. she told me not to go on the trip cause she thinks i get everything and she gets nothing. i'm so mad right now. i didnt want to be born with cf and i didnt want all the attention on me. i cant take it anymore. i cant believe my own sister would treat me like this.

This Weekend.....

This weekend friday started out with major back pain. I wasnt able to workout at all. My lower back is still killing me! I feel like a take a step forward and two steps back. I was doing so much working out and everything was great and then my lower back gets messed up. I know exactly how i did it too, I thought i was 12 again and started doing cartwheels all over the living room. What was i thinking!!! Friday night i just stayed home cause it was cold and there was really nothing going on. Then saturday was my mom's bday!! we celebrated by going to my aunt's house and having a lundin (meal inbetween lunch and dinner). At night time we went to the movies and watched My Bloody Valentine in 3d! it was so chessy and gorey. It was great, the two main guy actors were HOT and in 3d even better!! So then sunday i just went to my sister and her boyfriend's place and watched the football games and ate bbq. I've been trying that online dating stuff. I havent been interested in anyone yet. Hmmm lets see....Oh in good news i havent texted or emailed my ex!! YAY for me!! It's been hard but i'm trying!!

Men in Miami Suck!!

well today i was home trying to recover from the workout from hell yesterday. i totally messed up my lower back and my legs are sooo sore! i got a text from this guy i've know for about 6yrs. we have always hooked up when we dont have anyone else. we are each others backup plan. the last time i hooked up with him was in early dec. and we've kept in touch since then. i found out last week that he has a girlfriend. it really surprised me cause that means he was seeing me while he was dating her. today he kept texting me trying to make me see him. i told him no a thousand times and that he should just be happy about being with his girl. he said that i was better and it just got very explict. i was so fed up with his texting i called him and the first thing i said was WTF do you want!! he said he wanted to see me and flirt with me. i swear he made me feel like such a whore. is that all i was worth to him. i really thought that we were friends more than anything. he always asks me my doctor appts. he's seen me in my worst and what i liked most about him is that he's always attracted to me no matter how i'm looking. i told him he should be happy he's with someone and to leave me alone to find someone too. did he think that just because i had cf i was desperate enough to have sex with anyone. what a dick!! i feel sorry for his girlfriend for beliving in him. i cant believe my horrible luck with men. i swear i'm really not a slut, i would never hookup with someone in a relationship. this guy is so gross to me now, i will never touch him again!!!

BRAND NEW DAY!!

Last night when i went to bed i prayed. i really never pray. i feel like if i pray and things go wrong i'll get mad at god. yesterday i just felt so lost and i felt so sad that i didnt do as well as i wanted to in my pft's so i just prayed to god to help me and to not let me quit. i woke up today with such a great energy. i worked out i danced i sang i jumped like a kid. i dont have weights so i took out the gallon of water in my fridge and did weights with it. then returned some calls and did other stuff. i went online and found out some dude i was hooking up with after my ex, he was the rebound, got a girlfriend. i was happy about that too cause i dont have to worry about him either!! woohoo. i feel free.

i do have a problem. even though i'm doing great i do feel like a failure in one aspect. i never finished college. i was able to go in my twenties. i was in great health but i needed to work full time to get insurance. my mom's job wouldnt cover me. i traded in school for work. now it's weird telling people i have no education but i have my life. they dont understand it. they think oh this girl is so lazy she lives with her parents has no bills, etc. which is so false i pay my car, my credit cards, my phone, my gas, my extra stuff lol. i guess i could do online classes but i need money and i'm tired of asking my parents. i did apply at my old job working in a per-diem aspect. hopefully they'll call me soon.

Dr. Appt.

Today i went to see my pulmonologist. I really thought my pft's were going to me sooo much better. I have been working out so much and i've been so good about staying away from large crowds or people with colds. I feel like all i do is take care of my health. My pft's were actually two points lower. I couldnt believe it. I had a total breakdown. I started crying these huge tears and i was telling them how sad i had been feeling first that my pft's werent better then of course came the ex. I told them i didnt think i was handling it very well cause i was 31 and i had so many cf friends that have passed away and i was scared maybe my ex was the last one. the doctors were so sweet telling me everything was going to be ok and that he wasnt going to be the last. I have never felt like this before. i bet he doesnt even think twice about breaking my heart. the worst thing that the ex texted me. he actually remembered i had a doctors appt. he texted me and of course like an idiot i texted back and he responded. i asked him if i didnt have cf if he would still keep in contact with me. he said yes but he wouldnt ask me about dr. appts. he would just check in from time to time. i really dont know if i should cut the cord and tell him not to text me again. it just hurts so much to just get a text from him. i have a few great friends alot of them online with cf. they all give me such great advice. i've just never been hurt like this before.
tomorrow i'm going to buy some weights to add weight lifting into my work outs. i'm going to the keys this weekend with my family. i cant wait to sit on the dock and just look out into the ocean and cast that line out and do some fishing. i swear i could sit on the dock forever and stare at the ocean. At night in the keys the stars light up the sky so brightly. it really takes your breath away. i can already feel myself there. i hope by being there it will clear my mind and my stress can be decreased a bit. *sighs*

Experiment

i know this is going to sound weird but i went on a free online dating site to see if i was honest about who i was if anyone would be interested. i put that i lived at home and that i had cystic fibrosis. i didnt put anything about being terminal, or on oxygen just that i had cf. no biggie. i put the profile for a few days. I got back ZERO replys. lol. it doesnt even bother me at all. it's kind of funny to me that those two words can scare people off.

this weekend was my godson's 3rd bday. he had the party at a park and it was a great time. i played in the jungle gym and was able to keep up with the kids with no oxygen. well once again i got lonely and texted the ex on friday and got no answer. i texted him the next day just trying to see if he was out but he said he was sleeping cause he was on call and couldnt go out. i tried to open up to him and told him that even when i did go out it didnt feel fun. i still felt empty inside. i smile and laugh but that euphoric feeling that you have all the time when your in love doesnt compare to anything in the world. i wish i wasnt so petty, i wish i was stronger and i could say i'm over him and i'm finding someone else but it's a lie, it's not true. sometimes i dream that he'll call me and want to get back with me or that he'll show up at my door and sweep me off my feet but i know it's not going to happen. he's told me so many times that he'll never get back with me and he's told me this even when i dont ask. that hurts so much.

tomorrow i have an appointment at the cf clinic. i pray that my pft's are better than last time. i've worked out like crazy and i'm trying hard to walk and get out there as much as possible. the ex told me to text him to let him know how the appointment went. i'm sure even if i dont text him he wont be texting me asking how it went. so i wont. i cant wait til i go volunteer and meet new people. my friends are all in different worlds. they are all in relationships and they dont even call me anymore to hang out. my sister moved in with her boyfriend and she's only 25, my cousins are all living with either their boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives. the younger cousins have boyfriends. i swear i'm the only single one over 18. it sucks. am i a horrible person, did i do something in my past life to deserve this loneliness? here's a pic of my cousin's party.

Strange Idea!!

ok so me and my friend ali were chatting online and i started thinking of how unlucky we are in love. today is actually my two month breakup-versary. i miss him so much. i know i've said it in like every single post. i dont care i'll say it until the end of time if i want to. so i told ali how i dont want to do the regular online dating crap. i want to start a new dating forum. it's going to be kinda weird and i'm sure weirdos will come out of the wood works if we do this idea. ok, so it's going to be called terminal dating. the idea is that it's going to be a chat site/dating/blogging site. it can be people with any terminal illness and regular people who want to meet or just chat about their love lives or dating. i have no idea how this will work. it sounds pretty silly but i really want to meet someone but i dont want to meet someone then scare them off with the whole cf thing. i'd rather them read about me and if they think they can handle me then they can contact me or whatever. lol. pretty crazy i know!! we'll see what happens with that. i think it's just a pipe dream but it's cool to dream. last night i had an awesome dream where i was freaking popular with the guys. i was like dating some great catches, lol. i wish it were real!!

here are some pics from the dolphin game!!

Night Time.....

These thoughts always seem to run through my head at night time. thoughts about the future, will i have kids, will i get married, will i be alive next year, next month, next week? It just always feels like groundhog day to me. Wake up do meds, eat breakfast, workout, have lunch, do therapy, do meds, take a shower, have dinner, more meds. The next day it starts all over again. When i was growing up, it was weird cause i never saw myself getting married. I never dreamed about a wedding dress. I've actually had a few dreams where i'm getting married and i want to run out of the church, which i do!! Today i thought about my ex and i looked at some old emails i wrote to him after the breakup. It just hurts to keep thinking about the same stuff, mostly the why. he said he didnt love me the same way. just thinking about him can bring the tears so easily to my eyes it's sad. i'm just trying so hard to get over him and it doesnt work. i keep thinking of a song we would both sing together. 3 doors down, here without you. it's so hard to hear that song. i hope i get better soon.

DOLPHINS!!!

Tomorrow is the day i go to the dolpins playoff game! i'm so excited. I hate that my seats are so high but i dont care. I made my own top to wear. It says got pennington and in the back it says go phins. yay!! sometimes i wish i were like some other people and use my cf to get perks on stuff. my friend always calls guest relations and tells them her story and they hook her up with things. i've never done that. i've always wanted to be normal like everyone else. it's getting a bit harder when i get short of breath. i actually did really well on friday. i went to the mall and went walking around the mall for 2 hrs. i only sat down twice. i must admit when i got home i coughed up a ton of stuff. it felt great. lol.

yesterday i had this huge urge to text my ex. i told myself no, i cant do that. i must admit his brother has a website for his new son and i have looked at it. my ex is in some of the pics. he's wearing a shirt i bought him in the pics. it's weird how girls make the weirdest connections to stuff. i think did he wear that shirt cause he knew i might look at the pics? it's so nutty. well i didnt call him but i have looked at the website. i feel like a drug addict who needs a fix every once in a while. it sucks!! i hope the feelings go away soon. it's only been about 2 months since we broke up so i guess it's normal.

after the game i will post up pics to show all the craziness. i'll probably shoot a video as well!!! i cant wait!!

New YEAR'S!!!

well my new year's was ok. i chilled with family and then went to a friends party which i had to leave cause there were dragons sitting at a table near where i was at and the smoke was horrible. it was a very small outdoor party so i really couldnt go anywhere to escape it. i just went hom at around 2am. i was super upset cause i really wanted to watch the sunrise and couldnt do it cause my mom put fear in me saying that i was going to get sick from the cold and the wind. WHATEVER!! i'm almost 40 and she still controls me. sometimes i feel like getting free housing and just moving out anywhere. Then i think about what if i get sick and there's no one there to help me. but i know everyone is a phone call anyway so. i hope in 2009 i'm more confident in myself and i'm not embarrassed if i need to wear oxygen in front of strangers or if i need to cough. i shouldnt care what others think.

my ex texted me on tuesday to let me know he was offically an uncle. i was kind of upset cause i was finally getting over him. i really didnt care he was an uncle, i mean honestly if i text him it's about my health. which i'm starting to feel that he just wants to know out of pitty for me. i'm not texting him about my health anymore cause i just want that chapter closed. i still have strong loving feelings for him and it still hurts like hell when i hear from him. it hasnt gotten any easier. i texted him for new year's to be a nice person and he never texted back. what a Fu*Ker! sorry. he just brings out the worst in me!

the good thing is that i'm going to the dolphins playoff game against the ravens. i cant wait!! i love football and i'm so excited. it's my first playoff game ever! i hope we win, even though the odds are against us. i'm still routing for my man chad pennington! what a HOTTIE!! lol.